My husband is graduating from his masters program next month, and there will be some spouse events, dinners, etc. to go to. They will not be postponed due to my weight-gain self-consciousness. I am very nervous about finding cute clothes to wear to these events...probably a nice dress or something. I'm petite and finding well-fitting clothes is just really difficult.
I figured that I would probably end up at Casual Corner / Petite Sophisticate - my very favoritest shop. Their clothes fit me perfectly and their service is impeccable. Whenever I need a suit or dress or something, I am guaranteed that I can go there and find something that looks and fits great.
Today I stopped by the mall to take a look and see what was new. I came out of the Bon, I mean Macy's, looked to the right to see what was in the window of my favorite shop. Instead, I was welcomed with black. Solid black windows. My heart started beating loudly, I stopped dead in my tracks, and gasped. "Oh no." Oh...oh, no. My store is closed. I checked at the information counter just in case. I was sort of hoping that my store just moved, but no, it closed. Closed. Oh no.
I really don't know where I will ever, ever buy clothes that look good on me again. I don't think stores should just be allowed to close like that. Besides, I think I've personally given them enough money over the years to stay open just for me.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Trials and Success
Part one: A continuation of my recent debate (how to know when a trial is a trial?)...
After talking with several Christian friends, getting counsel from my pastor, and confirmation from my Bible study, I think I have a bit of an answer... sort of. It seems that a great place to start is to determine if you are really in absolute obedience everywhere else in your life. The "trial" might just be God's way of trying to get your attention, with a big arrow pointing at that other thing. Of course, if you truly are in obedience everywhere else, then the "trial" may probably be a real trial, which you need to endure with absolute faith. I have to say that my pastor was great here. Looking at other areas of obedience/disobedience can be difficult when you are in the middle of it, you may not be objective enough. He was really able to see the forest through the trees, while I am busy climbing trees. I'm not sure what that metaphor means, but I like it.
Part two: Social experiments in the rain...
I went jogging today and it was fantastic. A personal best. I jogged for one hour straight, about 4.5 miles. Granted, a 13 minute mile is not very fast at all, but I'm going for endurance here. An hour is the longest I've ever gone at one stretch - no walking at all. This is hobby is putting me at risk of great pride - I think I'm just about the coolest jogger in the world right now. AN HOUR!!! I'm pretty sure I can do anything right now. Roar!
My husband (who wishes to remain nameless, funny guy...although I've remained nameless, so I suppose I don't blame him) came rollerblading with me and at about 40 minutes into it, he went back to the car and was going to drive back to pick me up further down the path. We were jogging on the Cedar River trail and were well past the Maple Valley golf course, so it gets pretty...empty along the road. About 10 minutes into my solitude, it started sprinkling, and then more sprinkling. I loved it. I don't think I've ever jogged in the rain before. It was a beautiful spring sprinkle. And then it got heavier and heavier. I didn't really have much choice, so I just decided to find the humor in it and I thought it was pretty funny. Thankfully, I had a hat on, so I really wasn't getting that wet. When I was just coming up to my hour mark, there was an intersection ahead that I was supposed to wait at (very convenient location too... we didn't know that it would line up so well with my time). I was getting extremely wet at this point....it was RAINING. God is so good - Steve told me to wait at the next intersection, which happened to be this one, which happened to be at the hour mark, and just happened to have a big tree just inside the turn. Shelter! It actually was a big driveway to a trailer park. It wasn't too ghetto or anything. So, I waited in the rain under the big tree at the trailer park. As I waited, I noticed that there were lots of nice cars coming in and out - for some reason these trailer park people had nice cars. Lots of minivans and other family cars. I realized this was a great social experiment. What would you do if you were driving by a young woman who is alone, wearing jogging clothes, on a jogging trail, in the pouring rain, and hiding under a big tree? There are no parking lots nearby. We are sort of in the middle of no where. I was a little surprised that not one person stopped to ask if I was ok, needed help, needed a ride, or even just needed to use their cell phone. Not one. I thought that was pretty sad. We've let our fear of strangers get in the way of social decency, I think. I very easily could have really been stranded, since it was sunny when I left. I wonder if I would have stopped and asked.
And then I gave the dog a bath by myself. See, I can do anything!
After talking with several Christian friends, getting counsel from my pastor, and confirmation from my Bible study, I think I have a bit of an answer... sort of. It seems that a great place to start is to determine if you are really in absolute obedience everywhere else in your life. The "trial" might just be God's way of trying to get your attention, with a big arrow pointing at that other thing. Of course, if you truly are in obedience everywhere else, then the "trial" may probably be a real trial, which you need to endure with absolute faith. I have to say that my pastor was great here. Looking at other areas of obedience/disobedience can be difficult when you are in the middle of it, you may not be objective enough. He was really able to see the forest through the trees, while I am busy climbing trees. I'm not sure what that metaphor means, but I like it.
Part two: Social experiments in the rain...
I went jogging today and it was fantastic. A personal best. I jogged for one hour straight, about 4.5 miles. Granted, a 13 minute mile is not very fast at all, but I'm going for endurance here. An hour is the longest I've ever gone at one stretch - no walking at all. This is hobby is putting me at risk of great pride - I think I'm just about the coolest jogger in the world right now. AN HOUR!!! I'm pretty sure I can do anything right now. Roar!
My husband (who wishes to remain nameless, funny guy...although I've remained nameless, so I suppose I don't blame him) came rollerblading with me and at about 40 minutes into it, he went back to the car and was going to drive back to pick me up further down the path. We were jogging on the Cedar River trail and were well past the Maple Valley golf course, so it gets pretty...empty along the road. About 10 minutes into my solitude, it started sprinkling, and then more sprinkling. I loved it. I don't think I've ever jogged in the rain before. It was a beautiful spring sprinkle. And then it got heavier and heavier. I didn't really have much choice, so I just decided to find the humor in it and I thought it was pretty funny. Thankfully, I had a hat on, so I really wasn't getting that wet. When I was just coming up to my hour mark, there was an intersection ahead that I was supposed to wait at (very convenient location too... we didn't know that it would line up so well with my time). I was getting extremely wet at this point....it was RAINING. God is so good - Steve told me to wait at the next intersection, which happened to be this one, which happened to be at the hour mark, and just happened to have a big tree just inside the turn. Shelter! It actually was a big driveway to a trailer park. It wasn't too ghetto or anything. So, I waited in the rain under the big tree at the trailer park. As I waited, I noticed that there were lots of nice cars coming in and out - for some reason these trailer park people had nice cars. Lots of minivans and other family cars. I realized this was a great social experiment. What would you do if you were driving by a young woman who is alone, wearing jogging clothes, on a jogging trail, in the pouring rain, and hiding under a big tree? There are no parking lots nearby. We are sort of in the middle of no where. I was a little surprised that not one person stopped to ask if I was ok, needed help, needed a ride, or even just needed to use their cell phone. Not one. I thought that was pretty sad. We've let our fear of strangers get in the way of social decency, I think. I very easily could have really been stranded, since it was sunny when I left. I wonder if I would have stopped and asked.
And then I gave the dog a bath by myself. See, I can do anything!
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Which way to run?
It seems that I always have some current debate going on in my head. It's a bit exhausting, but true.
My current debate is one of trials. How do you know when a difficult situation is a trial from God or just circumstance?
Hypothetically...
If enduring a difficult situation is a trial that God has entrusted me with to shape me, then I want to be faithful to persevere in faith. However, if it's really God telling me to change the situation, then I want to be obedient and just leave. "Being faithful and obedient" looks entirely different depending on which of those it is.
I figure that there are four options:
1) It's a trial and I should persevere
2) God's giving me a kick in the pants and I should get out of the difficult situation
3) God doesn't care (not that He doesn't CARE, just that it could go either way and He'd be fine), so if it's terrible then I should just change the situation
4) It's punishment/discipline for some sin I've committed
I REALLY want to be faithful and obedient, but I can't figure out if I'm supposed to embrace the trial, or run a way quickly. I've just been thinking about Jacob working for Laban in Genesis. First Jacob had to work for Laban to endure a character-shaping trial that God had given to him, and he endured it faithfully. Later, he decided that Laban's attitude had changed and it was time for him to go. How do you know when you are supposed to stay and when you are supposed to go?
God gives us trials, entrusts us with them, to teach us and shape our character. That's how we become more like Him. In that sense, if I know a situation is a trial, then I really do want to fully embrace it and be thankful for the opportunity and to learn whatever He has in store for me.
However, it's also true that not all bad situations are Godly trials. Sometimes it is correct to leave a situation of suffering, right? I mean...that was Jacob with Laban. Eventually it was time for him to go. How did he know which was which?
Maybe I just have to be in closer relationship with God for him to tell me, and me to discern His voice. I don't know... I'm a bit stuck on this question at the moment.
My current debate is one of trials. How do you know when a difficult situation is a trial from God or just circumstance?
Hypothetically...
If enduring a difficult situation is a trial that God has entrusted me with to shape me, then I want to be faithful to persevere in faith. However, if it's really God telling me to change the situation, then I want to be obedient and just leave. "Being faithful and obedient" looks entirely different depending on which of those it is.
I figure that there are four options:
1) It's a trial and I should persevere
2) God's giving me a kick in the pants and I should get out of the difficult situation
3) God doesn't care (not that He doesn't CARE, just that it could go either way and He'd be fine), so if it's terrible then I should just change the situation
4) It's punishment/discipline for some sin I've committed
I REALLY want to be faithful and obedient, but I can't figure out if I'm supposed to embrace the trial, or run a way quickly. I've just been thinking about Jacob working for Laban in Genesis. First Jacob had to work for Laban to endure a character-shaping trial that God had given to him, and he endured it faithfully. Later, he decided that Laban's attitude had changed and it was time for him to go. How do you know when you are supposed to stay and when you are supposed to go?
God gives us trials, entrusts us with them, to teach us and shape our character. That's how we become more like Him. In that sense, if I know a situation is a trial, then I really do want to fully embrace it and be thankful for the opportunity and to learn whatever He has in store for me.
However, it's also true that not all bad situations are Godly trials. Sometimes it is correct to leave a situation of suffering, right? I mean...that was Jacob with Laban. Eventually it was time for him to go. How did he know which was which?
Maybe I just have to be in closer relationship with God for him to tell me, and me to discern His voice. I don't know... I'm a bit stuck on this question at the moment.
Friday, May 05, 2006
A bit syrupy sweet - I warned you!
My husband loves me so much. That sounds trite, but it's true. I have been blown away in the last year to find out again and again how much he really loves me.
We officially fell in love when I was 17 and he was 19. Actually, we first said those eagerly-anticipated words at my 18th birthday party. One of the risks with marrying young is that it can be easy to let some things stay immature, rather than forcing all parts of yourself and your relationship to grow up. I think that somewhere along the way, Steve's loved matured and grew up, but I didn't really recognize it. Actually, it's a bit of a coincidence to be learning this NOW. This month is the 10 year anniversary of when we met. I have pictures of us on the day we met. We've changed a lot (when did that happen??) since then. I suppose our love has too.
Steve has noticed my weight-induced despair and is being so wonderful. He always is, but this time it's a little different. In the past, he would give me a "look" if I started eating something I shouldn't or ask if I was REALLY sure I wanted to be eating that. He was supportive in ways that I knew were well-intentioned, but not always the most helpful, and sometimes hurtful. Afterall, sometimes these methods of encouragement would be followed that night with pressure to have Red Robin for dinner.
For some reason, it's different now. We have made a new commitment to eat dinner at home most nights. Mostly this was for budgetary reasons, although Steve noted that this should help as well. So far, he's been super great about following the menu plan, and keeping me on it too. No Red Robin pressure on an at-home night. None. I claim that one as LOVE.
Last night, sometime between 9:30-10:00 when we should have been thinking about bedtime, Steve thought we should go for a walk. I was surprised - it was so late! Rather than just reminding me that I'm failing at going to the gym, he invited me to walk with him. It was a great, long walk. I loved it!
New love loved me in spite of my weaknesses. Mature love loves me in my weakness, and tries to add strength where I am weak.
Hey you (I know you read this!) - I LOVE YOU!!!
We officially fell in love when I was 17 and he was 19. Actually, we first said those eagerly-anticipated words at my 18th birthday party. One of the risks with marrying young is that it can be easy to let some things stay immature, rather than forcing all parts of yourself and your relationship to grow up. I think that somewhere along the way, Steve's loved matured and grew up, but I didn't really recognize it. Actually, it's a bit of a coincidence to be learning this NOW. This month is the 10 year anniversary of when we met. I have pictures of us on the day we met. We've changed a lot (when did that happen??) since then. I suppose our love has too.
Steve has noticed my weight-induced despair and is being so wonderful. He always is, but this time it's a little different. In the past, he would give me a "look" if I started eating something I shouldn't or ask if I was REALLY sure I wanted to be eating that. He was supportive in ways that I knew were well-intentioned, but not always the most helpful, and sometimes hurtful. Afterall, sometimes these methods of encouragement would be followed that night with pressure to have Red Robin for dinner.
For some reason, it's different now. We have made a new commitment to eat dinner at home most nights. Mostly this was for budgetary reasons, although Steve noted that this should help as well. So far, he's been super great about following the menu plan, and keeping me on it too. No Red Robin pressure on an at-home night. None. I claim that one as LOVE.
Last night, sometime between 9:30-10:00 when we should have been thinking about bedtime, Steve thought we should go for a walk. I was surprised - it was so late! Rather than just reminding me that I'm failing at going to the gym, he invited me to walk with him. It was a great, long walk. I loved it!
New love loved me in spite of my weaknesses. Mature love loves me in my weakness, and tries to add strength where I am weak.
Hey you (I know you read this!) - I LOVE YOU!!!
Monday, May 01, 2006
Unreflective reflections
I've been feeling a lot of pressure regarding my blog. Sometimes I don't write because I feel like I need to have some super brilliant reflection about my life and circumstances. I've got...nothing. Then I feel guilty. I feel like I SHOULD spend more time reflecting and thinking about what my actions and inactions mean, but I'm too darn busy being busy. It's a vicious cycle, with no time to reflect on it to end it. The guilt has been building, so today I decided to break the ice and just post something - brilliancy not required.
Part of the reason I've been avoiding my self-reflection is that I don't like my reflection right now in the mirror. I'm avoiding clothes shopping right now too. I feel fat. I'm on the verge (or maybe I passed the verge a few weeks ago?) of needing new clothes. I'm too big for mine. I don't think I look good in most anything I've got. But I refuse to deal with this and admit that I'm a chub, at least compared to where I was. So, oh so logically, I'm feeling fat wearing too-tight clothes. I'm just praying that I will close my eyes for a night, and wake up 10 pounds thinner and I will fit nice in my clothes again. Ugh...I really don't want new, bigger clothes. I'm basically choosing to be a big baby about this issue. Really. My parents just bought a new, bigger boat with much more sun-bathing area than their old boat. That should be exciting and wonderful. The thought of me in my bathing suit (or bikini - yeah right) makes me want to crawl into a hole. With cheesecake.
Speaking of being a big baby, I want a baby. Babies. This has not changed. I think I would pay someone to let me babysit their kids right now just so I can play with babies. I just found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. It's a bit of an accident, but they are super excited. I'm really excited for her...and jealous. I hate being jealous. I shouldn't be. God has put me in my place and circumstance and I shouldn't want anything other than His plan for me. I don't think Hormona respects that.
Ok. That's all the reflecting I have time for. I'm tired (ala busy being busy). I really don't like how busy I am. I want to clean and organize and decorate and plan a menu and buy a watch and take my dry cleaning in and sew curtains.
I need to think of some mantra that will remind me that I should be happy and cheerful. I think it's in Philippians 4 somewhere...
Goodnight. =) Think thin. (that's really not the mantra I should be looking for)
Part of the reason I've been avoiding my self-reflection is that I don't like my reflection right now in the mirror. I'm avoiding clothes shopping right now too. I feel fat. I'm on the verge (or maybe I passed the verge a few weeks ago?) of needing new clothes. I'm too big for mine. I don't think I look good in most anything I've got. But I refuse to deal with this and admit that I'm a chub, at least compared to where I was. So, oh so logically, I'm feeling fat wearing too-tight clothes. I'm just praying that I will close my eyes for a night, and wake up 10 pounds thinner and I will fit nice in my clothes again. Ugh...I really don't want new, bigger clothes. I'm basically choosing to be a big baby about this issue. Really. My parents just bought a new, bigger boat with much more sun-bathing area than their old boat. That should be exciting and wonderful. The thought of me in my bathing suit (or bikini - yeah right) makes me want to crawl into a hole. With cheesecake.
Speaking of being a big baby, I want a baby. Babies. This has not changed. I think I would pay someone to let me babysit their kids right now just so I can play with babies. I just found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. It's a bit of an accident, but they are super excited. I'm really excited for her...and jealous. I hate being jealous. I shouldn't be. God has put me in my place and circumstance and I shouldn't want anything other than His plan for me. I don't think Hormona respects that.
Ok. That's all the reflecting I have time for. I'm tired (ala busy being busy). I really don't like how busy I am. I want to clean and organize and decorate and plan a menu and buy a watch and take my dry cleaning in and sew curtains.
I need to think of some mantra that will remind me that I should be happy and cheerful. I think it's in Philippians 4 somewhere...
Goodnight. =) Think thin. (that's really not the mantra I should be looking for)
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Hormona
I think an alien has taken over my body. I've named her Hormona. She does not care about my work, about my mid-stage remodeled home, or about the fact that my home only has one bathroom, for now. Hormona wants babies. Babies, babies, babies. Oi.
I, the sane one, have a plan. A spreadsheet. A husband who has not been taken over by Hormona's ideas. He is rational. We are rational, well-planned people. This isn't me, it's her. Darn her. Seriously, this is out of control and crazy.
The good news is that my God is bigger than Hormona. We are not blessed by God changing our circumstances. God blesses us for our faithfulness in our circumstances.
So for now, the "I"M WAITING" voice just has to be louder than Hormona's voice in my head.
I hope this doesn't make me clinically crazy.
I, the sane one, have a plan. A spreadsheet. A husband who has not been taken over by Hormona's ideas. He is rational. We are rational, well-planned people. This isn't me, it's her. Darn her. Seriously, this is out of control and crazy.
The good news is that my God is bigger than Hormona. We are not blessed by God changing our circumstances. God blesses us for our faithfulness in our circumstances.
So for now, the "I"M WAITING" voice just has to be louder than Hormona's voice in my head.
I hope this doesn't make me clinically crazy.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
New favorite snack
I'm an extremely habitual eater. I find a meal or snack that I like and I could eat it daily for a long time...two weeks to two years.
My current favorite snack consists of:
1/2c fat free or lowfat PLAIN yogurt
a packet of splenda
1/4c organic blueberries (for some reason the organic ones I get are smaller than normal)
a few rasberries
1/2c grapenuts
about 12 almonds chopped into tiny tiny bits
It's a crunchy, yogurty, sweet treat filled with a good balance of carbs, proteins, and fats. I have a hard time finding snacks that have protein and fat. This one is a hit! I use frozen berries and combine them with the yogurt in the morning. They thaw out in my lunchbag (w/ an ice thingy in it to keep the yogurt cold) and then I add the grapenuts and almonds right before I eat it. Yum yum yum.
My current favorite snack consists of:
1/2c fat free or lowfat PLAIN yogurt
a packet of splenda
1/4c organic blueberries (for some reason the organic ones I get are smaller than normal)
a few rasberries
1/2c grapenuts
about 12 almonds chopped into tiny tiny bits
It's a crunchy, yogurty, sweet treat filled with a good balance of carbs, proteins, and fats. I have a hard time finding snacks that have protein and fat. This one is a hit! I use frozen berries and combine them with the yogurt in the morning. They thaw out in my lunchbag (w/ an ice thingy in it to keep the yogurt cold) and then I add the grapenuts and almonds right before I eat it. Yum yum yum.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Amnesia
I think I get amnesia. I tend to forget about things...just get busy doing other things, and it's amazing to me what happens (or doesn't happen) when I don't focus on something. I think that's why I'm always exhausted. My status quo feature doesn't work. So, if I'm not totally focusing on something, I may as well be trying to ruin it.
If I stop focusing on eating healthy, I gain 5 pounds almost instantly. If I stop focusing praying and doing my Bible study, I just start thinking that I'm actually in control of things and just sort of forget about God. If we stop focusing on our yard and home maintenance, we get clogged gutters and massive puddles of standing water on our roof (very shallow slope, although not totally flat).
I think some people can do "status quo" better than I can. I tend to live in the extremes, so unless I'm focusing on staying balanced, there is no balance to be found.
So, I'm back to focusing on my food and exercise. I have to. HAVE TO! Actually, after my panic attack last week about my weight, I lost a whole pound. I was up a couple after Easter (thank you, applie pie and chocolate truffles), so we'll see if it evens out the next couple days.
Today I went back to Bible study today for the first time in a bunch of weeks. When I'm not actively doing my bible study, I think of it as burdensome. It's so much work! But when I'm there or doing it through the week, I'm reminded of how much I love it and how GOOD and FAITHFUL God is. God is so good!
All of this new found re-focusing is very tiring. I'm going to bed.
Good night!
k noel.
If I stop focusing on eating healthy, I gain 5 pounds almost instantly. If I stop focusing praying and doing my Bible study, I just start thinking that I'm actually in control of things and just sort of forget about God. If we stop focusing on our yard and home maintenance, we get clogged gutters and massive puddles of standing water on our roof (very shallow slope, although not totally flat).
I think some people can do "status quo" better than I can. I tend to live in the extremes, so unless I'm focusing on staying balanced, there is no balance to be found.
So, I'm back to focusing on my food and exercise. I have to. HAVE TO! Actually, after my panic attack last week about my weight, I lost a whole pound. I was up a couple after Easter (thank you, applie pie and chocolate truffles), so we'll see if it evens out the next couple days.
Today I went back to Bible study today for the first time in a bunch of weeks. When I'm not actively doing my bible study, I think of it as burdensome. It's so much work! But when I'm there or doing it through the week, I'm reminded of how much I love it and how GOOD and FAITHFUL God is. God is so good!
All of this new found re-focusing is very tiring. I'm going to bed.
Good night!
k noel.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Good Friday?
I've realized that I want to say things on my blog that I really wouldn't usually talk about with some of my friends, and yet, I know my friends will probably be reading my blog. I suppose that's part of the challenge. I'm going to be me. Emotionally naked, I guess. That's the risk. Take it or leave it. I'm generally not too obsessive/compulsive, but I am about my weight. That's me.
I've been depressed since my last posting. Well, that's probably overly dramatic, but too bad. I realized that I've gained back a full half of the weight I lost a long time ago. Half. HALF. That means that if I gain as much weight as I've gained in the last two years, I will be just as chubby as I was to begin with. AGH and NO. I refuse. So, I'm in a sad state. Everything I eat makes me wonder if I'll gain weight, if it will fill me up, or if i will be able to make up for it later in the day. The joy of food is gone. All food is filled with guilt. I hate how I look right now and how my clothes fit. My pants are too tight. All my clothes are too tight. I really just want to crawl into a hole, go to sleep or even just wait in total boredom, and come out 15 pounds thinner. I know 15 pounds isn't a ton, but - for all you judgmental readers - I'm short! That makes a huge difference on me.
I'm going to my husbands graduation (masters) this June. 2 months. I NEED to be thinner. Seriously. I'm panicked that I won't be able to do it.
Anyway...
Tomorrow is Good Friday and Sunday is Easter. I LOVE Easter. It snuck up on me this year and I'm hoping I can keep in mind the whole point of Easter. I'm afraid I might be too busy cleaning and doing things and worrying about food to pay attention. Darn me. I'm really upset with my family about Easter. So far, no one in my family is planning on having an Easter dinner. Steve and I really can't. We'll have both just flown in after being gone for a month and our luggage barfed in our house. Besides, we live quite a bit further south than the rest of the family and they wouldn't want to drive here after church, especially since my dad has to work later that night. I gave my mom a little lecture about Christ's resurrection and how Easter should be more important to us than any other holiday. She's going to call me tomorrow and let me know if there is a dinner anywhere. I can't imagine pizza for Easter dinner, unless I'm in London at Pizza Express. I hate that my CHRISTIAN family is all so whatever about Easter. Hello! And, I hate that my sister made Easter plans with her brother and sister in law (other side) for Easter night. Our family always gets together on Easter so it's annoying to me that she's going to their house. Why not just invite them to be with our family? This has made me really grumpy.
I've got my dog back, and that makes me happy.
I'm too moody tonight. I'm up way too late procrastinating all the things I need to do tomorrow. Good Friday to you.
Tired me. Tired of me?
I've been depressed since my last posting. Well, that's probably overly dramatic, but too bad. I realized that I've gained back a full half of the weight I lost a long time ago. Half. HALF. That means that if I gain as much weight as I've gained in the last two years, I will be just as chubby as I was to begin with. AGH and NO. I refuse. So, I'm in a sad state. Everything I eat makes me wonder if I'll gain weight, if it will fill me up, or if i will be able to make up for it later in the day. The joy of food is gone. All food is filled with guilt. I hate how I look right now and how my clothes fit. My pants are too tight. All my clothes are too tight. I really just want to crawl into a hole, go to sleep or even just wait in total boredom, and come out 15 pounds thinner. I know 15 pounds isn't a ton, but - for all you judgmental readers - I'm short! That makes a huge difference on me.
I'm going to my husbands graduation (masters) this June. 2 months. I NEED to be thinner. Seriously. I'm panicked that I won't be able to do it.
Anyway...
Tomorrow is Good Friday and Sunday is Easter. I LOVE Easter. It snuck up on me this year and I'm hoping I can keep in mind the whole point of Easter. I'm afraid I might be too busy cleaning and doing things and worrying about food to pay attention. Darn me. I'm really upset with my family about Easter. So far, no one in my family is planning on having an Easter dinner. Steve and I really can't. We'll have both just flown in after being gone for a month and our luggage barfed in our house. Besides, we live quite a bit further south than the rest of the family and they wouldn't want to drive here after church, especially since my dad has to work later that night. I gave my mom a little lecture about Christ's resurrection and how Easter should be more important to us than any other holiday. She's going to call me tomorrow and let me know if there is a dinner anywhere. I can't imagine pizza for Easter dinner, unless I'm in London at Pizza Express. I hate that my CHRISTIAN family is all so whatever about Easter. Hello! And, I hate that my sister made Easter plans with her brother and sister in law (other side) for Easter night. Our family always gets together on Easter so it's annoying to me that she's going to their house. Why not just invite them to be with our family? This has made me really grumpy.
I've got my dog back, and that makes me happy.
I'm too moody tonight. I'm up way too late procrastinating all the things I need to do tomorrow. Good Friday to you.
Tired me. Tired of me?
Thursday, April 06, 2006
But I'm home now
I'm back home. I didn't miss home too terribly much until I got home. I don't get my dog back until tomorrow night and I really miss my dog.
There's a song by Dido called "Sand in my Shoes" and I love the lyrics. Part of it goes "Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed / But I'm home now / And things still look the same..." I was gone for two and a half weeks. My life changed and I assume that everything changed. It seems like so much longer than just a couple weeks. I love traveling in late March though because so much happens with our plants here right at that time that when I come home after only being gone for 2.5 weeks, everything really has changed. When I left, it still looked like winter outside. It was cold and rainy, and all the trees were still bare. When I returned it was sunny and warm. The daffodils are up and the trees are pink and flowery. I love it. I love going away on a trip where I feel like I grow personally, and when I come home, everything around me is growing. It makes me feel like they are growing and flowering just for me.
I hated leaving India. I really didn't miss home at that moment. I was excited to see Steve in London, but I really didn't want to leave. Part of it may have been that I don't know when or if I'll ever get to go back and see some of my friends again. I could barely hold back the tears as I said goodbye to everyone.
London was awesome. I love that city. I went to St. Paul's for the first time and was amazed. It was so heavenly. It makes me really amazed as I wonder what heaven will really be like. If humans a thousand years ago were able to dream up Westminster Abbey and St. Paul's cathedral AND build them, I can't even fathom how beautiful heaven will be.
I always figured that monks were always short plump men who were pretty out of shape. However, the monks in charge of going up all the stairs at St. Paul's could not have been too plump or out of shape at all. It is quite a work out! I wondered how many people over the years have died or had a heart attack on those stairs.
Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed, but I'm home now... and went jogging yesterday and today. I really have 14 pounds I need to lose. I managed to not gain or lose an ounce during my trip, which I'm really satisfied with (given all the pastries and yummies I consumed in London!), but I'm still at a point of needing to shrink a bit. I hate how I look right now. I'd be happy with my size if I had children already and were 40 or 50 years old, but I'm not. This will not do.
There's a song by Dido called "Sand in my Shoes" and I love the lyrics. Part of it goes "Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed / But I'm home now / And things still look the same..." I was gone for two and a half weeks. My life changed and I assume that everything changed. It seems like so much longer than just a couple weeks. I love traveling in late March though because so much happens with our plants here right at that time that when I come home after only being gone for 2.5 weeks, everything really has changed. When I left, it still looked like winter outside. It was cold and rainy, and all the trees were still bare. When I returned it was sunny and warm. The daffodils are up and the trees are pink and flowery. I love it. I love going away on a trip where I feel like I grow personally, and when I come home, everything around me is growing. It makes me feel like they are growing and flowering just for me.
I hated leaving India. I really didn't miss home at that moment. I was excited to see Steve in London, but I really didn't want to leave. Part of it may have been that I don't know when or if I'll ever get to go back and see some of my friends again. I could barely hold back the tears as I said goodbye to everyone.
London was awesome. I love that city. I went to St. Paul's for the first time and was amazed. It was so heavenly. It makes me really amazed as I wonder what heaven will really be like. If humans a thousand years ago were able to dream up Westminster Abbey and St. Paul's cathedral AND build them, I can't even fathom how beautiful heaven will be.
I always figured that monks were always short plump men who were pretty out of shape. However, the monks in charge of going up all the stairs at St. Paul's could not have been too plump or out of shape at all. It is quite a work out! I wondered how many people over the years have died or had a heart attack on those stairs.
Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed, but I'm home now... and went jogging yesterday and today. I really have 14 pounds I need to lose. I managed to not gain or lose an ounce during my trip, which I'm really satisfied with (given all the pastries and yummies I consumed in London!), but I'm still at a point of needing to shrink a bit. I hate how I look right now. I'd be happy with my size if I had children already and were 40 or 50 years old, but I'm not. This will not do.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Things are getting messy
One of the things I love most about India is that everyone is honestly messy when they eat. I think most Americans are messy too, or at least would be if they ate without thinking so much about staying clean, but in India they don't even try to stay clean. They eat with their hands and you just plan on getting your hands extremely messy. You don't even try to stay remotely clean. Eat with exuberance! At the office, there is an entire washroom that is designated to wash your hands after eating lunch. It's for both men and women and just has three sinks with special soap. I don't know what's different about the washroom soap from the normal bathroom soap, but they use different soap in the hand washing room. I LOVE a place where there is a special washroom to clean your messy hands after lunch.
I did actually order an Indian dinner tonight, thank you very much. I got my hands nice and messy eating dal and naan, with orange fanta of course. Unfortunately, I had to wash my hands in the hotel bathroom since I don't have a specific post-dinner washroom.
Good night / Good morning
I did actually order an Indian dinner tonight, thank you very much. I got my hands nice and messy eating dal and naan, with orange fanta of course. Unfortunately, I had to wash my hands in the hotel bathroom since I don't have a specific post-dinner washroom.
Good night / Good morning
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Secret India stories
How random is this... the blog posting before this one does not want to be posted. Apparently, the India observations I shared are a secret that I'm not allowed to share. I posted yesterday's post twice. It has deleted itself twice. The first time, the Internet Explorer page I was using just randomly closed and I swear I didn't click anything. Then, I re-typed it all, clicked on "publish post", the screen changed to the next one, and the title is there, but the message is missing. I decided that after two tries, enough is enough and maybe I'm not supposed to tell the world what I was telling the world.
I'm doing well in India. I went shopping tonight again with someone. We didn't quite do what I thought we'd do, but it was an interesting experience in a clothes store. There were SO many people.
In India I feel like a a princess and way more important than I am. Every time I enter a building, the doors open in front of me. In a store, there are numerous people rushing to help me and anticipate what I need. I'm always surrounded by people who simply want to make me happy. It's a bit unsettling. It makes it impossible to just blend in and be an observer.
Good night, or morning, depending on which time zone you are in.
I'm doing well in India. I went shopping tonight again with someone. We didn't quite do what I thought we'd do, but it was an interesting experience in a clothes store. There were SO many people.
In India I feel like a a princess and way more important than I am. Every time I enter a building, the doors open in front of me. In a store, there are numerous people rushing to help me and anticipate what I need. I'm always surrounded by people who simply want to make me happy. It's a bit unsettling. It makes it impossible to just blend in and be an observer.
Good night, or morning, depending on which time zone you are in.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
Genesis 32-33
Homiletics lesson of the week... (to get the background on this, see the 3/10/06 post)
Note: When I go to my Bible study group tomorrow, I'll find out if I interpreted things pretty correctly, or if I was WAY off. I'll try to come back and update if I think I was way off. In the meantime, I'll post what I think I learned. Feel free to debate.
Genesis 32-33
Subject (10 words or less): Jacob, who God named Israel, fearfully reunited with loving Esau.
Aim: To learn that God blesses those who rely on Him for strength and direction.
I. Genesis 32:1-21
Jacob anticipated his reunion with Esau with prayer and gifts for his brother.
--> How am I responding to the scary and uncertain situation that I'm facing?
II. Genesis 32:22-32
Jacob wrestled with God, receiving God's blessing and a new name, Israel.
--> How much do I really desire God's blessing?
III. Genesis 33
Jacob and Esau reunited in joy and graciousness.
--> How often do I give God all the glory for a successful outcome?
Monday, March 13, 2006
Bitter kisses
Today was generally a great day all around.
1) I ate pretty well. I had way too many hershey kisses at night, but ate pretty darn reasonable during the day, so I think it ended ok. Less HKs tomorrow!!
2) I'm so blessed at work. I'm completely not angry anymore about the new boss thing. Strangely not angry. I'm really ok with it. I had a meeting today about it and I just feel so blessed at work. I feel like I've been really favored, much more than I deserve or can comprehend. My leaders and looking out for me and have plans for me. I've decided it's much easier if I'm just grateful to them, and trust what they have in store for me. That's a lot easier than fighting (even if just emotionally) to do it my way. So far, I've been ridiculously blessed by THEIR way, so I think I'll stick with it.
So, for tomorrow... need to get rid of all bitterness, should it arise again, and also the hershey kisses.
1) I ate pretty well. I had way too many hershey kisses at night, but ate pretty darn reasonable during the day, so I think it ended ok. Less HKs tomorrow!!
2) I'm so blessed at work. I'm completely not angry anymore about the new boss thing. Strangely not angry. I'm really ok with it. I had a meeting today about it and I just feel so blessed at work. I feel like I've been really favored, much more than I deserve or can comprehend. My leaders and looking out for me and have plans for me. I've decided it's much easier if I'm just grateful to them, and trust what they have in store for me. That's a lot easier than fighting (even if just emotionally) to do it my way. So far, I've been ridiculously blessed by THEIR way, so I think I'll stick with it.
So, for tomorrow... need to get rid of all bitterness, should it arise again, and also the hershey kisses.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Sins of the honey-nut variety
Today I suffered from my lack of preparation, which I consider a terrible sin. I'm not being sarcastic here. It bugs me so much when I'm feeling the effects of my own lack of preparation...I really, really hate it. If I had just been more prepared, whatever it is, wouldn't have happened.
I have been so drama-queen busy the last week or two (which means I'm probably not as busy as I feel like I am), that I have not really bought food. If I don't buy food, no one will. We've been eating out a lot. I've had several different breakfast options, but I've been eating my way through each one. The last couple days, I've been left with who-knows-how-old honey nut cheerios, kept fresh from the miracles of tupperware. I know that I can't JUST eat a cereal like that (non fortified with uber amounts of protein and fiber) for breakfast, and still feel fine later that morning. My body just can't do it. So, I don't know if I was thinking..."Hey, I'm BUSY, surely my body and insulin levels will understand this for me!" Anyway, I had my cereal around 8:00 and around 11:00 had a major crash in the middle of church service. I was so hungry and was really focusing on not getting dizzy... just making it through till lunch. I wanted that full loaf of communion bread SO bad! I took an overly large portion and just hoped the Lord would forgive my communion selfishness.
The problem after service was that we had lunch plans with one of my husband's co-workers scheduled for 1/1:30ish, and we don't know her super well, so it's not like we were going to pop in and chow down. Church was done at 11:30 and I could not imagine waiting, let alone talking politely to someone first. We went to subway and got me a sandwich and him a couple cookies. YUM! Then we continued on to lunch and ate way too much at the co-workers house.
I felt so stupid for eating two lunches. I KNOW I can't eat a bowl of honey nut anything and then make it all the way to lunch time without eating the arm off someone next to me. I don't know why I try to test this limit every now and then. So, in the midst of trying to loose weight (which didn't happen this week, thanks to my stress induced complete lack of self-control last week), I ate TWO lunches today. This is a highlight (or would that be low-light?) of negative consequences.
I'm going on a work trip, followed by vacation in a week. I'll be gone for two weeks. Self-selected eating will be very challenging (even if I get to pick, I don't know the ingredients or how things are prepared), and exercise will be challenging. I'm trying to plan now (in all my free time!) so that I don't go blood-sugar crazy or spend two weeks completely sweat-free. My natural inclination would be to be a little bit anxiety driven...eating chocolate and ice cream and avoiding real exercise.
Hopefully the sick feeling I felt all afternoon today will be a good reminder on my trip to make healthy decisions throughout the day, especially at breakfast (ie need something more than pastries and frothy coffee)!
I have been so drama-queen busy the last week or two (which means I'm probably not as busy as I feel like I am), that I have not really bought food. If I don't buy food, no one will. We've been eating out a lot. I've had several different breakfast options, but I've been eating my way through each one. The last couple days, I've been left with who-knows-how-old honey nut cheerios, kept fresh from the miracles of tupperware. I know that I can't JUST eat a cereal like that (non fortified with uber amounts of protein and fiber) for breakfast, and still feel fine later that morning. My body just can't do it. So, I don't know if I was thinking..."Hey, I'm BUSY, surely my body and insulin levels will understand this for me!" Anyway, I had my cereal around 8:00 and around 11:00 had a major crash in the middle of church service. I was so hungry and was really focusing on not getting dizzy... just making it through till lunch. I wanted that full loaf of communion bread SO bad! I took an overly large portion and just hoped the Lord would forgive my communion selfishness.
The problem after service was that we had lunch plans with one of my husband's co-workers scheduled for 1/1:30ish, and we don't know her super well, so it's not like we were going to pop in and chow down. Church was done at 11:30 and I could not imagine waiting, let alone talking politely to someone first. We went to subway and got me a sandwich and him a couple cookies. YUM! Then we continued on to lunch and ate way too much at the co-workers house.
I felt so stupid for eating two lunches. I KNOW I can't eat a bowl of honey nut anything and then make it all the way to lunch time without eating the arm off someone next to me. I don't know why I try to test this limit every now and then. So, in the midst of trying to loose weight (which didn't happen this week, thanks to my stress induced complete lack of self-control last week), I ate TWO lunches today. This is a highlight (or would that be low-light?) of negative consequences.
I'm going on a work trip, followed by vacation in a week. I'll be gone for two weeks. Self-selected eating will be very challenging (even if I get to pick, I don't know the ingredients or how things are prepared), and exercise will be challenging. I'm trying to plan now (in all my free time!) so that I don't go blood-sugar crazy or spend two weeks completely sweat-free. My natural inclination would be to be a little bit anxiety driven...eating chocolate and ice cream and avoiding real exercise.
Hopefully the sick feeling I felt all afternoon today will be a good reminder on my trip to make healthy decisions throughout the day, especially at breakfast (ie need something more than pastries and frothy coffee)!
Friday, March 10, 2006
Genesis 29-31
One of my new joys in the last year is doing a Bible study on my own and actually finding applications by myself and learning from the Bible by myself. Every week when I do my homiletics, I'm am just tickled that I have the ability to study scripture and teach myself something, rather than just being spoon-fed in church.
Since that amazes me every week, I thought I might post the applications from my study.
Note: When I go to my Bible study group tomorrow, I'll find out if I interpreted things pretty correctly, or if I was WAY off. I'll try to come back and update if I think I was way off. In the meantime, I'll post what I think I learned.
Genesis 29-31
Subject: Jacob's family suffered because of Laban's deceptions, but left peacefully.
Aim to learn: God will bless longsuffering, and His timing is perfect.
Applications:
- In what areas am I choosing to give up, rather than persist on the path God has given me?
- Where am I competing for blessings, rather than trusting God for His provision?
- Do I work through trials with creativity, or do I pridefully fight back?
- Am I willing to leave a difficult situation or relationship in peace, or do I insist on "winning" ?
Yes, this does comprise the excitement of my Friday nights. Please refer to my post a couple days ago about how BORING I am. =) Happy weekend...
Thursday, March 09, 2006
The day that sucketh
I've been thinking a lot this evening about support systems...the people you turn to.
I think I used to build support systems (aka friends) more easily. Over the years, I've dealt with some painful life experiences and a few painfully failed friendships. Through it all, I think I've become more guarded and don't make close friends as easily. All the while, I yearn for close friendships, to be known and loved by a small circle of dependable friends, but I have a hard time getting there.
My day at work today was very not good. We are re-organizing and the changes were announced today. The one thing I really didn't want to have happen to me, did happen to me. It's unfounded, unjust, and completely nonsensical. Apparently, I'm too inexperienced to do the very thing I'm already doing everyday. I wish someone had told me sooner!
As I tried to jog through my frustration (successful w/ the jogging, but not at getting rid of the frustration), I realized a deep sense of loss. I wasn't expecting that. My boss and two co-workers are all moving to other teams. My team will now be made up of a new boss (grrr), me, and my staff. I really enjoy managing the staff that I manage, but they aren't my support system. I can't fully relax with them - I'm "the boss" and need to always think about my actions and words with that filter on. With my boss and peers, I can be me. I can vent. I can support them and they can support me. As I thought about them, and that they are all leaving, I just felt really alone and empty. At the same time, it made me smile. I hadn't realized how much I had appreciated or needed this support system, but obviously I did. Even if it's ending now, I'm glad for the time we were together. I only wish I could have appreciated them more at the time. I'm going to miss everyone!
It was good to go through this emotional rollercoaster though because it has made me aware that I need to build better and more support systems. I need my friends more than I let myself realize and it's worth the risk to be a bit less guarded.
I think I used to build support systems (aka friends) more easily. Over the years, I've dealt with some painful life experiences and a few painfully failed friendships. Through it all, I think I've become more guarded and don't make close friends as easily. All the while, I yearn for close friendships, to be known and loved by a small circle of dependable friends, but I have a hard time getting there.
My day at work today was very not good. We are re-organizing and the changes were announced today. The one thing I really didn't want to have happen to me, did happen to me. It's unfounded, unjust, and completely nonsensical. Apparently, I'm too inexperienced to do the very thing I'm already doing everyday. I wish someone had told me sooner!
As I tried to jog through my frustration (successful w/ the jogging, but not at getting rid of the frustration), I realized a deep sense of loss. I wasn't expecting that. My boss and two co-workers are all moving to other teams. My team will now be made up of a new boss (grrr), me, and my staff. I really enjoy managing the staff that I manage, but they aren't my support system. I can't fully relax with them - I'm "the boss" and need to always think about my actions and words with that filter on. With my boss and peers, I can be me. I can vent. I can support them and they can support me. As I thought about them, and that they are all leaving, I just felt really alone and empty. At the same time, it made me smile. I hadn't realized how much I had appreciated or needed this support system, but obviously I did. Even if it's ending now, I'm glad for the time we were together. I only wish I could have appreciated them more at the time. I'm going to miss everyone!
It was good to go through this emotional rollercoaster though because it has made me aware that I need to build better and more support systems. I need my friends more than I let myself realize and it's worth the risk to be a bit less guarded.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Feeling a little snarky
How happy to have had comments on my blog.
I must warn all of you commenters out there: no more falsely cheery (but really mean-spirited), completely unrelated blog comments shall be allowed from here on out. Too bad for you! If you want a blog filled with banter of snarkiness thinly veiled as compliments and funny remarks, then create your own snarky blog!
Comments shall only be about the blog topic, or a blog-related response to another blog-related comment. If my blog is boring to you, then too bad. Feel free to comment about how boring you think I am.
I'm in love with the word snarky. That's so great. And I love that the blog spell-check still doesn't know the word "blog". =)
Speaking of boring... I am pretty boring and I really don't care. I used to be embarrassed about how boring I was. I felt too young to be so boring. People always expected that I lived a more exciting and fun life because I was the age to be exciting and fun. I should have been partying! That has never been me.
I got married super young. Not because I had to, and not because I came from social circles where getting married young was normal. Nope. I just felt like "settling down" at 18 (didn't get married THAT young, but really, only because we knew it was way too abnormal... I was 20). When most college friends spent their money on cover charges, concerts, and beer, I was concerned with buying furniture and houses. But, I was embarrassed about it. I was boring and that wasn't normal. People thought it was weird that I wanted to work hard and have a nice home...and only be 21 or 22. They assumed I was a very un-boring person pretending to be a boring person just to fit in. They were wrong. I really was that boring.
Interesting...I just realized that this issue has turned around. When I was a bit younger, everyone knew I was young and expected me to act younger and less boring. As I've gotten a little older, people think I'm too young and not mature (in a working sense) enough. Hmmm...
I'm 27 and this is who I am. I'm both young, but not TOO young...and as boring and grown up as ever. If you think I am "too young" or just look too young to do such boring things as work freaking hard, manage a team well, understand how to get things done at work, and STILL come home to a nice (boring) home-life, then too freaking bad for you.
The nice thing about being young is I'm still optimistic about finding paths in work and life that I'm excited and passionate about. I have very little patience for people who think I'm either too young or too boring. Just watch me prove you wrong or do something else.
I must warn all of you commenters out there: no more falsely cheery (but really mean-spirited), completely unrelated blog comments shall be allowed from here on out. Too bad for you! If you want a blog filled with banter of snarkiness thinly veiled as compliments and funny remarks, then create your own snarky blog!
Comments shall only be about the blog topic, or a blog-related response to another blog-related comment. If my blog is boring to you, then too bad. Feel free to comment about how boring you think I am.
I'm in love with the word snarky. That's so great. And I love that the blog spell-check still doesn't know the word "blog". =)
Speaking of boring... I am pretty boring and I really don't care. I used to be embarrassed about how boring I was. I felt too young to be so boring. People always expected that I lived a more exciting and fun life because I was the age to be exciting and fun. I should have been partying! That has never been me.
I got married super young. Not because I had to, and not because I came from social circles where getting married young was normal. Nope. I just felt like "settling down" at 18 (didn't get married THAT young, but really, only because we knew it was way too abnormal... I was 20). When most college friends spent their money on cover charges, concerts, and beer, I was concerned with buying furniture and houses. But, I was embarrassed about it. I was boring and that wasn't normal. People thought it was weird that I wanted to work hard and have a nice home...and only be 21 or 22. They assumed I was a very un-boring person pretending to be a boring person just to fit in. They were wrong. I really was that boring.
Interesting...I just realized that this issue has turned around. When I was a bit younger, everyone knew I was young and expected me to act younger and less boring. As I've gotten a little older, people think I'm too young and not mature (in a working sense) enough. Hmmm...
I'm 27 and this is who I am. I'm both young, but not TOO young...and as boring and grown up as ever. If you think I am "too young" or just look too young to do such boring things as work freaking hard, manage a team well, understand how to get things done at work, and STILL come home to a nice (boring) home-life, then too freaking bad for you.
The nice thing about being young is I'm still optimistic about finding paths in work and life that I'm excited and passionate about. I have very little patience for people who think I'm either too young or too boring. Just watch me prove you wrong or do something else.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Cookie monster
I have one thing to say for today: blast the girl scout cookies.
And for a bit of personal responsibility...stop stress eating!!!
Blast, blast, blast.
And blast to you all who stress me out. Blast you! To you stress-inducers, I give you ten pounds and stick them on YOUR butt! See you how like it!
And for a bit of personal responsibility...stop stress eating!!!
Blast, blast, blast.
And blast to you all who stress me out. Blast you! To you stress-inducers, I give you ten pounds and stick them on YOUR butt! See you how like it!
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