trailhead

I'm always intimidated by a difficult trailhead... when you are going for a hike, but just getting past the trailhead wipes you out.

I'm 10 and a half weeks pregnant. Just the trailhead; barely getting started. On this Monday, I'm still recovering from some horrible weekend nausea (morning sickness paired with a rough boat trip is NOT a pretty thing), I have a hand that is massively swollen and itchy from one or two wasp stings on my thumb, and I have come down with a head cold...and am not allowed to take any medication for it. Oh, and I had a complete bawling breakdown with hubs last night because of the cellulite that has made a home on my legs recently.

It's been a bit of a rough trailhead. I'm pretty wiped out. I dare not complain though, for I know I'm just getting started. What if this is the easy part?

And I think it is.

There is one good thing though.

When you go for a hike, and it's a killer from the get-go, it always has a fantastic view at the top.

joyful noise

Today I heard a joyful noise: a fast little pitter-patter of a tiny, but very strong, heartbeat. Oh, what a joyful noise.

I finally picked my midwife and today was our first real appointment. There are two women who share this practice and I will alternate who I see with each appointment. They are both such a joy. They are so excited to know me, spend time with me, and thrilled to have the privilege of delivering our little one. That is such a change from other doctors offices where I feel like I'm an interruption in their day.

I'm not quite 10 weeks pregnant, so they cautioned me that we may not be able to hear the heartbeat yet ... but that we could try. It did take quite a while and they decided to take the extra time to keep trying for me. The baby is so tiny compared to how much fluid it is swimming in...it's pretty easy for it to just swim away from their little microphone. And finally, there it was, loud and clear - the constant flutter of a tiny heart.

I am here to share the news, but am without words to describe how I feel.

My heart beats for two.

Cleaning schedule

It's time to clean the toilet (and the rest of the house for that matter).

This morning, my morning sickness queasiness officially turned into hard core morning sickness barfing.

Does anyone know where I can buy barf bags? I'm a bit nervous to go out in public.

Ugh.

Waiting to shop

Baby status: 7 weeks
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Yesterday I went shopping with my mom for some baby-room inspiration. In less than 13 weeks we will be able to find out the gender of this little one. Since I really want a gender neutral nursery and bedding, I have less than 13 weeks to determine how we want to paint and decorate the room, and what type of bedding I'd like to make or buy. I think that if I know the gender of the baby, it will be nearly impossible to pick truly neutral things.

I would also like to pick relatively quickly because I've got a few grandmas that will probably start making baby blankets before I decide who my midwife will be. Without any color preferences, I know I'll receive a mountain of bubblegum pink and mint green yarn and stitchery, and I know enough to know that those AREN'T the colors we'll be going for.

Thirteen weeks is not that long considering I've had zero ideas about what I'd like to do. So, mom and I went out yesterday to spy at some posh baby stores, hoping to get some ideas from their little room displays and overly priced bedding (baby blanket for $80??).

The day was going well and good ideas were everywhere.

We mostly played with the idea of a whimsical, old-fashioned beach theme. I love the beach, so surely any baby of mine will too. I commented that there are so many beach things going on sale soon, since it's the end of summer. Without a pause and in all seriousness, my mom commented that it's too bad that it's too early to buy anything. You know... just in case.

The conversation continued and I was just stunned and hurt. Of course I know the risks, and I know it's early in my pregnancy. I think about the risk of miscarriage every single day, and my way of dealing with that is to plan for the baby that is alive and making me nauseous. I know my mom is a little sensitive because she miscarried in her first pregnancy, pretty late in her first trimester. A traumatic memory for sure.

Here's the deal: My mom's (and friends and family's) job is to joyfully celebrate and plan for this life growing inside of me, and should I go through the pain of losing the baby, then their job is to just love me and help me grieve.

So will I stop dreaming of this little one...their eyes, their smile, and what their new bedroom will look like? Absolutely not.

Besides...most of my day is spent sleeping and eating crackers. Who really has time to do much shopping??