Waiting to shop

Baby status: 7 weeks
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Yesterday I went shopping with my mom for some baby-room inspiration. In less than 13 weeks we will be able to find out the gender of this little one. Since I really want a gender neutral nursery and bedding, I have less than 13 weeks to determine how we want to paint and decorate the room, and what type of bedding I'd like to make or buy. I think that if I know the gender of the baby, it will be nearly impossible to pick truly neutral things.

I would also like to pick relatively quickly because I've got a few grandmas that will probably start making baby blankets before I decide who my midwife will be. Without any color preferences, I know I'll receive a mountain of bubblegum pink and mint green yarn and stitchery, and I know enough to know that those AREN'T the colors we'll be going for.

Thirteen weeks is not that long considering I've had zero ideas about what I'd like to do. So, mom and I went out yesterday to spy at some posh baby stores, hoping to get some ideas from their little room displays and overly priced bedding (baby blanket for $80??).

The day was going well and good ideas were everywhere.

We mostly played with the idea of a whimsical, old-fashioned beach theme. I love the beach, so surely any baby of mine will too. I commented that there are so many beach things going on sale soon, since it's the end of summer. Without a pause and in all seriousness, my mom commented that it's too bad that it's too early to buy anything. You know... just in case.

The conversation continued and I was just stunned and hurt. Of course I know the risks, and I know it's early in my pregnancy. I think about the risk of miscarriage every single day, and my way of dealing with that is to plan for the baby that is alive and making me nauseous. I know my mom is a little sensitive because she miscarried in her first pregnancy, pretty late in her first trimester. A traumatic memory for sure.

Here's the deal: My mom's (and friends and family's) job is to joyfully celebrate and plan for this life growing inside of me, and should I go through the pain of losing the baby, then their job is to just love me and help me grieve.

So will I stop dreaming of this little one...their eyes, their smile, and what their new bedroom will look like? Absolutely not.

Besides...most of my day is spent sleeping and eating crackers. Who really has time to do much shopping??

Expression

So far, one of the greatest things about being pregnant is telling people.

I will forever remember the look on my mom's face when she FINALLY got it. I told her we would need some dog-sitting services next March, since that's when the baby is due. My dad figured it out right away, but my mom couldn't figure out what I was talking about. Then the light bulb went on and she was so excited.

Our pastor literally yelled - let our a huge whoop! The man who leads our church small group literally started crying.

Interestingly, when I told my team at work, everyone was happy for me, but it was pretty obvious that there was a difference in reaction between those that are parents and those that aren't. It's like the parents know a huge secret, a wonderful secret, and they are thrilled that I'm going to find it out. The non-parents are happy, but it's different.

Expectation

I am expecting. A child. In about 34 weeks, I will have a new name: mom.

The roller coaster of physical and emotional changes has begun. My life as I knew it is already gone and it will never come back...and I have a feeling that it will continue to change forever.

With the exhaustion comes great, great joy. I can't imagine how much my joy will increase...or how much the exhaustion will increase too. Both are unimaginable!

Isaiah 63:7

I will recount the steadfast love of the Lord, the praises of the Lord,
according to all that the Lord has granted us,
and the great goodness to the house of Israel that he has granted them according to his compassion,
according to the abundance of his steadfast love.

Delaying children?

I have a question for you and would love to hear your thoughts. Comments are welcome! Please hang in there and read to the bottom for the question. I'll try to be brief, but it's not my best skill!

Hubs and I have been waiting for many years to start having children. We will celebrate our 8th anniversary this summer. We got married while still in college and were quite young....and got pretty good at being busy with life instead of parenting. Still, it's been a long time and we're ready. I'm REALLY ready. Actually, it's been neat to see God working on my heart. Not too long ago, I was throwing temper tantrums in response to my great desire for children. I wanted babies NOW. I asked God to change my heart, and give me His patience and contentment. I've come to trust Him with our future family. I know fully that He may not even have plans to bless us with children - that isn't promised. God may have another plan entirely. And you know what? My heart has changed. Of course I would love to have a house filled with little ones, but even more so, I want my home and family to glorify God - in whatever way God would have for us. If He doesn't have children planned for us, then I can't wait to find out what His plan is.

That being said, with great contentment and peace, our plan is to start trying to have children soon. As it turns out, I think I'm going to have an opportunity to travel to Africa for work right around the exact same time we were planning for this. The problem? I would have to take lots of vaccinations, and you shouldn't get pregnant for three months after you get the vaccines. If we have to wait a few months, it would likely be more like 5-6 months... to try, in some attempt, to avoid having babies in the middle of summer (long story for another day...just know it would cause great family angst for us to have a summer baby).

So... question of the year (or, of eight years!): Is it worth a free trip to Africa to postpone children for 5 more months, or should I choose babies first, and decline the trip? If it was a trip with my church instead of work, would it make a difference? Should it? Does it make a difference to wait 5 more months, when I've waited 8 years? Is this a test from God to choose family over work, or is it an opportunity from God to go to a place that I won't be able to go for many more years (since I won't be taking an infant there) and see His face in the eyes of suffering children?

I can't believe after all this, after all this waiting, I'm likely being given this choice. Please, please please, I'd love your thoughts. What would you do?

Appeasing Grandma

The other day my Grandma left me a voice mail informing me that she really wanted hubs and I to join her on a hot air balloon ride as a birthday present to her. Unfortunately, her birthday is right now and the balloon ride would be in just a couple weeks, and it's really not in our budget right now. How do you say no to Grandma? I felt horrible having to call my grandma and tell her that we didn't want to pay for her one birthday request. I put the phone call off for three days.

I finally made the dreaded call. I explained the financial situation in such a clever way that, in the end, she was not disappointed, and thoroughly ok with our decision.

How, might you ask, did I do that?

I just explained that we're trying to save money right now so that we can have babies and I can stay home. I could hear the smile on her face. The only complaint I received during the whole was that we need to "hurry it up!"

Gotta love Grandma.

Where are the babies?

If you've been reading my blog for long, you know that I want children very much, and hubs and I are waiting for God to let "us" know when it's time for us to be parents. God is teaching me patience! I've given my desire to God and am trusting Him and His perfect timing, and I am happy to report that it has been going pretty well. Life's worries are much easier when you are trusting God with them!

Yet, with the desire for children, it is a bit hard. First, there's the whole hormonal thing. If God wants me to wait, it would be much easier if He could please miraculously change my hormones so that they are on the same page as Him.

Then, there are the social issues. The last few days, I've been bombarded (well, it has felt like bombardment) with family and church comments. Oh, you know the comments (unless you had babies at 22, in which case, you probably got other comments). Let me just say: I am 28 years old. I didn't think that was ancient. I'm not even 28 and almost a whole year - nope, I JUST turned 28. So, you know, I'm barely there. Still pretty mid-twenties....almost. The world has now categorized me and hubs as a couple who is choosing to have children late in life, if at all. Apparently, we're "focusing on our careers" instead of a family (ugh...I've heard that so many times). I don't think we look as young as we used to and we've crossed some sort of social barrier. Apparently, I'm now old when it comes to having babies.

We had family Christmas last weekend. My sister has an almost two-month old, so there was a lot of baby talk. One aunt, who did choose to have babies later (started around 35), was talking with me as if I were making the same choice...talking about how great it is to have babies later. She thought we could bond on this issue, compared to my sister who had children younger (younger being 27!) like my mom (pregnant at 25). In another discussion, we were talking about how many children I might want and the benefits or struggles of different choices on this issue. One aunt teasingly pointed out that in order to have any of these amounts, one must first start having babies. Ahhh.... so THAT's the problem!

Now, I'm going to interrupt myself to comment here. If YOU are one who ever makes comments to people about having children, you need to be really, really careful. I've had so many comments made. Often this is a little painful just because I desperately want children very badly. The commenters usually assume that I don't want children and that's why we don't have children. Ouch. However, I have thought about how painful the comments would be if we actually were trying to have kids, but were having fertility problems (which we aren't, praise God). You just never know.

Ok...back to my story. In church yesterday, we met a young couple (without kids) who were visiting. Another church member knew the visitors and made sure that we had met them. Specifically us. Why? Well, let me tell you. Hubs and I (realized this yesterday) that we are the only youngish, married couple in church that doesn't have kids. WE needed to meet this visiting couple because we were the only ones they would meet that were married but didn't have kids. Really - there are single people, there are young couples with young kids, there are older couples, old people, etc., but only one couple who is married and doesn't have kids. Me.

So, I've gotten frustrated. This is not how I want to be defined.

I'm not sure why it hit me today, but I realized today that I'm the age now that my mom was when she had me. She was 28. Except... I was the youngest and last child (of two), and I was born two weeks after she turned 28. So, if I were my mom, I'd have a little one running around and be extremely pregnant with an amazing little girl at the moment. Actually, I was a bit late, so if I were pregnant on my mom's time line, I'd be due right about...now. To me there is something a bit special and meaningful about doing something at the same time as one who has gone before you, and I'm missing this one.

So, today, I was a bit down. Enough that I wanted to come home, sit hubs down, and really try to explain very logically why really truly NOW is the time and we really should start trying to have kids now. Really.

Thankfully, God is in control and not me. Thankfully, I had a 20 minute drive home and was listening to some good hymns. The song Blessed Assurance came on:
Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

I need to submit to the Lord's timing, and my husband's plans. My joy is to come from the Lord, and nothing else.

I think back to how much I've changed over the seven years I've been married. I've changed a lot. My theology has changed a LOT. My thoughts about God, doctrine, how to be a good wife, how to be a homemaker, the importance of these things, how to teach children, what to teach children... all of these things have changed drastically.

I think God is preparing me, His child, to raise children that will glorify Him. If I were to take this timing into my own hands, I will only mess it all up because I won't be ready (in His standards) to be a mother for the children He is going to give me. Maybe He's got some really difficult kids in store for me and so I need more pre-training. If He does, that's ok. All I know, is that the only one who does know is God. I trust Him.

And finally, for something totally unrelated, this is my 100th post! But, I only just realized that and I'm posting this anyway. I'll do 100+1 things about me for my 101st post. =)

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to me (yesterday)!

I am now 28. Please no comments about how that is SO young because I've definitely met people that think it is SO old, and either way, it just is what it is, without apology or boast. I am what I am: 28.

I'm 28. I'm very happily married - in love with my husband more than I can express, and loved even more in return. I am being prepared by the Lord to be a mother someday. I have a family who loves me and calls to sing happy birthday. I have been blessed materially, and even own one too many houses at the moment. Over the last year or two, the Lord has been answering my prayer for dear girlfriends, and now have an abundance of woman who I care about deeply.



My birthday comes right in between Christmas and new years, a time when I get overly reflective and sometimes a bit glum as the Christmas glow has left the masses and they fully swarm the local merchants to consume more than can be consumed of clearance finds and somehow fulfill vacation day boredom. It was a good day though, although busy. I cleaned a bit, got a great gift from hubs (more in a sec), had a long visit to the fabric store, and had our traditional kel's birthday dinner. What I really long for on my birthday is either a party with my friends, which is hard to do (and has been since the day I was born; my party was always in January) since so many people are still out of town from the holidays, OR go away for a couple days to Leavenworth or Whistler to go skiing with hubs. This year that wasn't possible due to all the house projects still being done (at both houses, thanks to the windstorm). It was lovely though and, aside from going on a mini-holiday, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

One of the gifts I longed for this year was a mini trampoline. There is a great infomercial out (FYI - I'm an infomercial junky) for "urban rebounding" which is basically workout DVDs for jumping on a little trampoline. I think it looks like fun! (Note: they charge WAY too much for the trampoline and DVDs - I'm not endorsing their products at all!) Anyway, for Christmas/birthday, I really wanted a trampoline and workout DVD. When we arrived at my parent's house for Christmas dinner, there was a huge roundish box next to the tree. I was so excited: I was actually going to go get the trampoline! I looked at the label on the huge gift to confirm my suspicions...and hope was dashed! My dear trampoline was for my three year old nephew. (Does it mean anything bad that me and the nephew wanted the same thing?) He loved it!

On birthday morning, after I pestered to the limit, hubs sent me on a treasure hunt for my present (unwrapped and behind two closed doors), which I found on the first try - HA! I was SO excited to find a huge, roundish box; this time, all for me! I am so excited.

Then, I spent the afternoon at the fabric store, since my mom gave me a sewing machine for my birthday (which I got a few days ago). A friend of mine had a baby girl two days ago, and I'm going to make her a baby wrap-thing. I'm hoping I can figure it out. The fabric is all a soft flannel - nice and cozy. Here's what it looks like so far: (the red in the bias tape really does match the fabric. By the way, I'm not sure yet how to use bias tape.)

And the pattern:

Then we went to the restaurant we go to for my birthday dinner every year: Jak's Steakhouse. Yummy! They are super good, less money than other local high-end steak houses, but don't take reservations. We put our name on the list, with a 2.5 hour wait, then went to some local stores. The food is superb. Truly.

I really need to go do some jumping on that trampoline now.

Winter wonderland forming

It is snowing, and it is beautiful. The world seems to slow down when it snows. I live in the pacific northwest, where snow is a treat. We don't get much and it doesn't stay long. It's only been snowing for about 10 minutes, but is actually starting to stick to the grass, so that's pretty cool. Often it will snow without sticking.

My dog - attacking the snow:

happy birthday baby

I'd like to welcome my new niece into this big world.
Happy Birthday!

She was born yesterday morning... very, very early in the morning. My sister has been blessed with the ability to have babies very, very quickly. For this dear one, my sister was only at the hospital for 45 minutes before they got to hold her in their own arms.

I'm a very proud aunt indeed!

showers of babies

Today was the baby shower to celebrate the coming arrival of my sister's second child, a baby girl.

God created a whole spectrum of colors. Our colorful world is one of my favorite gifts God has give us. I love that He loves beauty. Yet, why is it that when some people have baby girls, the child lives in and surrounded by one color: pink? I think this is strange. I have not noticed this monotone phenomenon with boys, only girls. For little boys, baby clothes are given that are all very manly and scream "little boy". It's very cute. Lots of plaids, sports themes, boats, cars, animals...greens, blues, browns, etc. However, for little girls, it's all pink. Don't get me wrong, I personally enjoy pink (well, hot pink and fuchsia) very, very much. I can be a pretty girly girl sometimes.

I've known several women with baby girls, and it seems that for the entire first year of the baby's life, she is wearing pink every single day. Why do we do this to girls? Why don't we want her in purple, red (come on...what woman doesn't LOVE red??), and feminine clothes in blues and greens?

My niece will be born in November, and since her whole wardrobe for at least the first nine months is PINK PINK PINK, I fear that she will clash with all the Christmas decorations. Come on people... Christmas before baby clothes.

Food and Fireplaces

I can't believe it's been about a week since my last post. Time sure flies...

I don't have any big revelations to discuss. I've just been busy busy busy. Sometimes I get so busy just doing things that I don't have time to reflect on them. Lately, there has been a lot going on, and I have snippets of reflections about it all, but not quite enough that I think it's worthy of a blog post.

My dad is staying with us for a week while he takes a training class. I am so thankful that this came up after my job/life change. The stress of having a house guest for a week would have been far too overwhelming before. We never used to cook dinner at home... we could have done it for a night or two. But that's it. I would have felt pressure to cook for dad (who is not accustomed to eating out so much) and it would have been very, very hard. I'm so thankful that it's not a huge hurdle for me to cook breakfast and dinner each day. I sort of feel like this this my homemaking pop-quiz from my parents. How did I turn out? Can I cook? Can I keep a clean house? So far, I think I'm doing pretty good... and I think the food has even impressed my dad. Phew! It helps that I make breakfast for hubs each day - dad was pretty impressed by that. I am still getting used to feeding two men. I thought dinner tonight would make leftovers for dinner tomorrow; it did not. It made enough for a lunch for hubs, but I'm going to have to come up with a new dinner plan for tomorrow.

He has been helping us (or we've been helping him... that's really more accurate) work on our fireplace while he's here. We put in a gas fireplace a long while ago - and it's been sitting atop a plywood hearth ever since. As I speak, my two men are sawing more wood to build me a real hearth, a real mantle (both made of birch, with a nutmeg stain) and tile surround. I can not wait to have this done. I love having a fireplace and now I will LOVE, LOVE our fireplace. Pictures to come!

Finally, I went to a huge "mothers of multiples" garage sale last weekend. It was huge! And very funny...duplicates of everything. =)

That's all for now... off to play carpenter's assistant for me!

Puppy Love

I don't have any children yet, but I do have a boxer (Jazzy) who will be 3 years old later this fall. I love her so much! I actually heard her laugh yesterday when we were playing. I have heard of dogs laughing but had never heard her do it. I love that she wants to play with me. I LOVE that I'm home with her now. She and I are good buddies and I'm just totally in love with our pooch at the moment.


This morning, while I was typing away at the computer, I could hear Jazzy crying. I figured she lost a toy under the couch or something. Finally, I walked over to rescue her from her despair. She totally just wanted to play with me. She was laying upside down, looking in my direction, wiggling her little tail, and just wimpering. As I started to crouch down and tickle her, she was so excited and wiggled all over the place.

Jazzy, with a bad case of the up-side-down doggie sillies.

New Home

Sunday marked yet another milestone in our life. We finally officially became members of our church. We've been there about a year and a half, have taken the membership class, were interviewed by the elders, then finally had our Sunday where we went up front and were made official. I think joining a church is a little scary, but also an exciting thing to be celebrated.

I didn't grow up as a church member. I was a military kid; we moved frequently. As such, my parents didn't want to become members and affect the church's financial decisions with their voting rights, and then move again 2-3 years later. It didn't stop them from being involved and building bonds. The speed at which they became deeply involved in a new church was amazing. That requires a bravery that I don't have yet. Perhaps it grows from necessity. They led Bible studies, sang in choir, taught Sunday School, led the kids choir, etc. They made an impact. They let themselves be known, knew others, and built relationships for themselves and their two girls. That was a wonderful example for me as to how to dive into a church.

However, one the of scars of my military childhood is that I lean a little too heavily on my autonomy. I lose contact with friends too easily. I say goodbye too easily. I have lots of surface-friends, but struggle to go deep with people. Yet, God calls us to give up our autonomy. We are not singular, we are part of a body. We have no strength or sufficiency in ourselves; we need Him, and on earth, we need His family.

So, this weekend, we made it official. We need to strive to be less autonomous, to be part of this specific church body and be accountable to its leadership. I'm officially a Presbyterian; our church is part of the Presbyterian Church in America. I'm loving our covenant theology and reformed teaching.

This reminds me of when you are in a dating relationship and first say "I love you." It's exciting to know that you are going to develop a more intimate relationship with someone and know each other more deeply than anyone else. But it's scary to open yourself and give of yourself to another. What if you are hurt? What if you regret it? You are passing a threshold. That's where we're at. The Church is God's way of expressing His body on earth and to His children. It is how he works in our world. I know I have nothing to fear. He is the God of peace and this is His house. Church is His plan.

At least if I have to be passing over a threshold, it's straight into the Lord's house!

New Day

Well, it is here. Today begins a new phase in my life. A new job, and acceptance of a job I haven't been doing well. This has been a long time coming.

I remember crying to my husband, waiting in the ferry line, about 13 months ago. I was dreading going back to work; work was overwhelming to me, especially when also trying to do anything at home. The home stuff always lost. I had realized recently that our marriage (and my assumption was that it was true of most marriages, although highly controversial) would theoretically work better if I were a home-maker. This was all in theory - I wasn't asking to quit. I saw it as a wife's gift to her husband. She (meaning I) would manage our home, feed the family nutritious meals, manage the budget... which would mean that in their time together she would not be in an overwhelmed coma, would not be choosing between cleaning and fun, would not be eating out. The home-time could be filled with relationship building chosen activities. It sounded peaceful to me. That would be the wife's gift to the husband - making it so that when they were together, they could actually do things together and be happy. It was my vision.

Back to my car in the ferry line... Unfortunately, husband had never heard of a stay-at-home wife, without kids. He knows lots of stay-at-home moms, but none without kids. He had never heard of it. He thought it was weird and that others would think it was weird. He didn't understand my vision (before explanation of the vision). I was crushed that he didn't immediately value what I valued. To me, it's not about being home to raise kids. It's about being home to manage the home, and care for all that goes through it's doors. Even once we have kids, I would want to take care of the kids and home-things during the day for HIM so that when he gets home from work, we can enjoy each other as a family and do family-things, rather than chores and errands. To me, it's a needed and valued arrangement with and without kids. I cried because of his rejection, not because of the pending Monday.

That was 13 very long months ago. God has been gracious and loving this year, as always, of course. He's given me clarity. He's brought husband a long way and given him and open mind... and He's been so gracious and gentle in this journey.

After a journey of learning last year, I learned that I have not been in obedience to God's plan for me. God has given me a job to do: to manage my home and be a support to my husband. Of course, this doesn't mean I can't work elsewhere, but this must be secondary. While I've been very successful at work, I've been completely failing at the two things God HAS given me to do. Thankfully, He brought husband to a place this year where he could see this and appreciate it. Husband has been wonderful. We agreed we needed to change something. Since there aren't kids at home, I really don't need to be home full-time, just at home more. We decided I needed to change to a part-time job, even if it meant losing my job in the meantime.

While God doesn't promise material blessing, and we certainly not counting on it, we WERE overwhelmed with God's blessings upon us. Abundance.

Starting today, I have a new job. FIRST, my job is to manage my home and support my husband. SECONDLY, I work part-time (30 hrs a week) from home (go to the cubicles about 1 day a week), doing analysis/marketing strategy for the non-profit I've been working for. Even better, I start my new job with a holiday where I'll be with my husband all day. Fitting. =)

Today I am going to go jogging, buy groceries to start making lunches at home, and then we are going for a hike, then eating dinner at home.

So, today - more than any other day so far, my blog name is really appropriate. Today is a new day. It will be hard; I've seen that and anticipating more of it. It's a lot of change. I'm changing to something I want and know is right, but something I really don't know how to do. I have to learn to make dinner now?!?! Every night. Eek! BUT... I know that God will carry me through this because it is HIS plan, not mine.

This is the day that the Lord has made;

let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118: 24

joy

I've been starving.

My husband is my best friend, and a friend who, like most men, does not have a great need for a multitude of relationships. I love him and I love spending time with him. I get so wrapped up in my husband, our projects, our house, our dog, that I forget how hungry I am for relationship. It isn't until I have a day with a girl friend, or evening with another couple, that my appetite is satiated and I realize how hungry I really was.

Tonight we went to a BBQ with other "young couples" from our church. I had SO much fun! There were a few people I hadn't known at all, and some I've only met a couple times. We had a great time of food, discussion, and husband vs. wives pictionary. Very, very fun, and very filling. You could tell that all the people were starving for conversation. We all longed for relationship so much, that without any planning, we ate dinner at two tables - the men all at one and women at another.

Of course, of all the "young couple," we were the youngest and the only without children. Sigh. I can't wait until that doesn't define our uniqueness. Usually when women find out that I've been married for seven years, AND we don't have children, they just pause, give me a confused expression, and then don't know what to say. I don't blame them. They are probably confused about if they should ask why... is it a medical problem? Do we hate children? Is there a reason? And then they decide it's too personal and they shouldn't ask...but they can't help but wonder.

I've been telling people at work that I'm going to be changing jobs and working at home soon. There are two common questions: 1) Am I pregnant (no), and 2) Do I think I will miss the social aspects of work?

My current life exists within a hampster wheel: Hubs and I work diligently (very focused always, sometimes extra hours), when we are home we are exhausted, we become very insulated and self/home focused and have no time for other people or relationships as we try to self-protect (and marriage-protect) ourselves. So, I have some social contacts at work, but none outside of work because I'm too tired. Weekends are preserved for self-restoration. Self, self, self. Not much relationship there.

People are concerned that I will miss the socialization of work after I start working from home. But... I think we've got it all backwards. I want to work diligently, get my work done, then have time/energy to be social in the evenings. I want to be confident enough in my cooking and cleaning ability to have friends over for dinner frequently. I want to get chores done during the week, so that we can easily make plans with other people on a Saturday, rather than retreating to our insulated cocoon.

Why should I rely on socialization and work, but neglect it in the rest of my life? Shouldn't it be the other way around? It's even more odd when you consider that you don't choose your co-workers, but do choose your friends. So, in the current pattern, I'm building relationship with people that I may not choose otherwise. They are convenient relationships. Yet, in effect, I'm choosing the convenient relationships only at the neglect of my non-work friends. (For my work friends who may be reading this... I do choose you, and love you dearly! I want you to be a non-work friend too!)

There was one couple in particular, the one who hosted the BBQ, that I really enjoyed and would love to get to know further. Maybe one evening, when we have food, clean house, and energy, we will have them over for dinner. Thankfully, maybe "some day" won't be so far away.

time to breathe

I feel like I've been holding my breathe.

I've had this ongoing debate about trials, which you can read about in past postings. It's written pretty vaguely - partially for privacy reasons, and at times, partially because it's hard to put things in writing on the internet and have to admit that they really are true. I don't know why clicking the "publish" button makes you admit truth, but it does.

It's time to breathe. In, out...in again. I took a very scary step in my life, one that I have full confidence in. At the same time, I've crossed a line that I can't undo if I wanted.

After much prayer, pastoral counsel, discussion with husband, and complete peace, I realized that I am not in Godly obedience, which leads to much stress and personal trauma. God has given me a job to do - to be a wife/support to my husband and keep our home. Any other job I do in life must be secondary to this job. However, I have not been obedient to this; this doesn't describe my life at all. I work full time (sometimes, full-time plus), and when I come home, I'm hungry and focused on me, my work, and my stress. I desire to be a better wife, but I'm still very focused on ME. My husband has been a great support to me, but I'm not a great support to him. I've come to the conclusion that I need to change things so that I am living in obedience. I finally met with my boss and told her how my life needs to change. I want to work about 30 hours a week, and mostly from home, and I told her my full reason why. I've built up a pretty good reputation at work, which I knew would help me, but I also knew that I work at a place that is historically VERY traditional - there aren't a lot of flexible work arrangements. The day I was meeting with her, my husband called after to see if I still had a job.

God is so good. He always is, and even if I didn't receive earthly blessings, He would be just as good. In this case, I have been blessed (boy, I need another word...I say this too much) to receive piles of earthly blessings, which is a wonderful affirmation to my decision. My meetings have gone wonderfully. My boss, and her boss have both been really supportive and fully understanding. They are working on new opportunities for me.

The hardest thing in all of this has been to tell my boss and her boss about my decision. I was 100% confident of it, but just the act of telling them, and not knowing how they would react, was the worst. I realized that *I* typically don't ever do or say things intentionally that my person in authority won't like. I just don't. When I was little, I would lie to my parents if I knew the real answer wasn't the one they wanted. I never purposed to lie. I didn't want to be a liar. It really wasn't a debate in my head. I just knew what the right answer was, and that was what would come out. In school, I was always a teachers pet. My teachers always liked me. Always. I have been a super star at work. Rather than ever tell my boss that something can't be done, or is too hard, or would take too long, I just figure it out and do it. I suppose that in many ways, that trait has helped me succeed. However, it made this discussion, to tell my boss that I needed to drastically change my life and make their part of it less important, massively painful. But, I did it. Both meetings went great, very affirming. And now I can breathe. I think this was the most relaxing weekend I've had in years.

Now I am going to work on patience for a couple months (while decisions are made and jobs transition). I CAN'T wait to work from home. I started organizing my desk at home this weekend and want nothing more than to be home with my dog tomorrow.

About this weekend... it has been crazy hot. HOT. About 97 degrees hot. In Seattle. I know God created the world and our weather, but does He remember that in Seattle, we do not have air conditioners?? It's HOT. It's 10pm right now and it's finally comfortable (in shorts and a tank top) outside. It hasn't been comfortable since 10 am this morning. It's cute...husband and I are sitting outside (since the house can be about 10 degrees hotter than the outside temp) at our patio table, both on our laptops, drinking a blended limeade/vodka concoction (yum), with a mosquito candle burning. It's all very cute. We had a fantastic day today. We had a BBQ with a couple other couples from our church small group at a local beach park on Lake Washington. We BBQ'd good food and hung out in the lake up to our knees (watched the kids in the group swim), and horribly regretted leaving the bathing suits at home. It was wonderful anyway. It was so much cooler than at home, and it was SO pretty outside. I really wish I was working at home tomorrow so that I could go to the beach mid-day. That beach is only 1o minutes from our house, so I can go all the time if I want. It was great!

Choosing the mood

My night has taken a turn towards yuckiness (really fun mysterious marital spat. I'm honestly not sure why he's mad... but that's a whole other discussion), so I decided I'd post again and think about all the great things that have been happening in my life lately - because there are a lot!

• Biggest recent highlight: the marathon relay was sunday and I completed the 8 mile leg. It's shocking! I'm so proud of myself.
• I got a medal for completing the marathon relay. It's my first medal and I'm so excited!
• I'm being completely brave and have just officially registered to run a half marathon on October. I think I've gone crazy. Who am I? How on earth am I going to do that? I know I finished 8 miles on Sunday, but it just about killed me (well, the first 5 uphill miles... 5-8 were pretty good... but STILL).
• I discovered peppermint tea and have been drinking a ton of it. I just love the idea of drinking tea, it sounds really peaceful, so I'm glad that I found a tea I love. A cup of peppermint tea with a piece of chocolate is a bit too yummy.
• I get to go to church again on Sunday. I miss it! I was gone for 2 sundays on vacation, and then this last sunday was race day. I can't wait to go back! And, in one of the next couple sundays we're going to officially become members of the church. It had to be postponed while husband was traveling and then we were gone.
• I love that I'm excited to go to church. I hope I always love church this much.

Ok... that's it for now. I think I need to go apologize for something. Oh - last great thing: tomorrow is FRIDAY - yahoo!!!!

I'm back!

Hello world...I'm back! I was in Vermont, Plymouth, Boston, Philadelphia, Ocean City, Highland, then Washington DC. And now, home. It was nice to be home again. Isn't it funny how that works?

I think that was a bit too many cities for one trip, especially after having a big city vacation in the spring, but it was still great. I really loved...

• Vermont...it was extremely populated with trees and not people. It was beautiful. I can imagine how amazing it is in the fall, but would also be amazing in the spring and summer. Just hills and hills and more hills filled with trees. They weren't just in protected areas, like they are near my home, they were...Everywhere. People just chose trees (and the maple syrup they make) rather than houses and business parks. I also enjoy the Ben & Jerry's ice cream that is made in Vermont. Turtle Soup is a new favorite.
• Plymouth and it's pilgrim past. While the rock is just a rock, I couldn't help but look around town and be inspired by the pilgrims who landed there. Those who made it not only had to endure the winters, build homes, and grow their food, but the puritans and anglicans had to learn to get along and start a new colony together.
  
• Ocean City and the beach. I LOVE hot, sunny, sandy, beaches. God bless the beach.
• Highland and meeting old family all over again. I got to go visit my old neighbors, including two of the girls who were my age... they became my family when I was a child. It was so cool to see them again. We spent the 4th with them, out in the country, and it was like being with family again. I felt so at home - it was wonderful. Husband and I would love to live out there.

I'm home, and way happy to see my puppy.

alone and alone

I just realized that I only write depressing things on my blog. I wondered why that is...all could come up with is that maybe I assume that I really should keep those thoughts to myself, so I don't share them with my friends...or maybe they wouldn't want to be my friend. Hmmm...

My husband is travelling and I've been alone for a week and a day now. It was ok at first, but I've just hit the super lonely phase. I guess a week was my max. I can keep pretty busy for a week, but then my alone-ness sets in. Today was hard because I've been struggling with...something (sorry, still private)... and really need a friend to reassure me. I know what I need to do, and I know it's in line with what God wants for me, but there are so many other things that are so tempting. Anyway, today I needed reassurance. Since this is still sort of private, and the few people who know what's going on aren't all in agreement or unbiased, the only person who really could have helped was my husband...sort of. (Or maybe God? Maybe I should try talking to Him more... that's probably the more accurate answer, actually.) Steve and I have gotten to a point of his trip where our phone conversations are no longer really very connecting...we talk but it's sort of a pain. He's busy in his east coast world, and I'm busy in my west coast world. I'm desperate for a hug and reassurance, but he's busy w/ work, studying, rental cars, and hotels. So, I'm home alone, and emotionally alone. I need a hug and reassurance and there is no one. Except my dog. She's good for a hug (and a kiss...but that's actually not wanted). Tomorrow is my anniversary. Alone. Only 1 week and 2 days until I see him.

Sorry I'm so depressing. I don't think I'm really so depressed in general, I just save it all up to vomit onto the internet.

A bit syrupy sweet - I warned you!

My husband loves me so much. That sounds trite, but it's true. I have been blown away in the last year to find out again and again how much he really loves me.

We officially fell in love when I was 17 and he was 19. Actually, we first said those eagerly-anticipated words at my 18th birthday party. One of the risks with marrying young is that it can be easy to let some things stay immature, rather than forcing all parts of yourself and your relationship to grow up. I think that somewhere along the way, Steve's loved matured and grew up, but I didn't really recognize it. Actually, it's a bit of a coincidence to be learning this NOW. This month is the 10 year anniversary of when we met. I have pictures of us on the day we met. We've changed a lot (when did that happen??) since then. I suppose our love has too.

Steve has noticed my weight-induced despair and is being so wonderful. He always is, but this time it's a little different. In the past, he would give me a "look" if I started eating something I shouldn't or ask if I was REALLY sure I wanted to be eating that. He was supportive in ways that I knew were well-intentioned, but not always the most helpful, and sometimes hurtful. Afterall, sometimes these methods of encouragement would be followed that night with pressure to have Red Robin for dinner.

For some reason, it's different now. We have made a new commitment to eat dinner at home most nights. Mostly this was for budgetary reasons, although Steve noted that this should help as well. So far, he's been super great about following the menu plan, and keeping me on it too. No Red Robin pressure on an at-home night. None. I claim that one as LOVE.

Last night, sometime between 9:30-10:00 when we should have been thinking about bedtime, Steve thought we should go for a walk. I was surprised - it was so late! Rather than just reminding me that I'm failing at going to the gym, he invited me to walk with him. It was a great, long walk. I loved it!

New love loved me in spite of my weaknesses. Mature love loves me in my weakness, and tries to add strength where I am weak.



Hey you (I know you read this!) - I LOVE YOU!!!