Friday, March 24, 2006

Things are getting messy

One of the things I love most about India is that everyone is honestly messy when they eat. I think most Americans are messy too, or at least would be if they ate without thinking so much about staying clean, but in India they don't even try to stay clean. They eat with their hands and you just plan on getting your hands extremely messy. You don't even try to stay remotely clean. Eat with exuberance! At the office, there is an entire washroom that is designated to wash your hands after eating lunch. It's for both men and women and just has three sinks with special soap. I don't know what's different about the washroom soap from the normal bathroom soap, but they use different soap in the hand washing room. I LOVE a place where there is a special washroom to clean your messy hands after lunch.

I did actually order an Indian dinner tonight, thank you very much. I got my hands nice and messy eating dal and naan, with orange fanta of course. Unfortunately, I had to wash my hands in the hotel bathroom since I don't have a specific post-dinner washroom.

Good night / Good morning

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Secret India stories

How random is this... the blog posting before this one does not want to be posted. Apparently, the India observations I shared are a secret that I'm not allowed to share. I posted yesterday's post twice. It has deleted itself twice. The first time, the Internet Explorer page I was using just randomly closed and I swear I didn't click anything. Then, I re-typed it all, clicked on "publish post", the screen changed to the next one, and the title is there, but the message is missing. I decided that after two tries, enough is enough and maybe I'm not supposed to tell the world what I was telling the world.

I'm doing well in India. I went shopping tonight again with someone. We didn't quite do what I thought we'd do, but it was an interesting experience in a clothes store. There were SO many people.

In India I feel like a a princess and way more important than I am. Every time I enter a building, the doors open in front of me. In a store, there are numerous people rushing to help me and anticipate what I need. I'm always surrounded by people who simply want to make me happy. It's a bit unsettling. It makes it impossible to just blend in and be an observer.

Good night, or morning, depending on which time zone you are in.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Friday, March 17, 2006

Genesis 32-33

Homiletics lesson of the week... (to get the background on this, see the 3/10/06 post)

Note: When I go to my Bible study group tomorrow, I'll find out if I interpreted things pretty correctly, or if I was WAY off. I'll try to come back and update if I think I was way off. In the meantime, I'll post what I think I learned. Feel free to debate.

Genesis 32-33

Subject (10 words or less): Jacob, who God named Israel, fearfully reunited with loving Esau.

Aim: To learn that God blesses those who rely on Him for strength and direction.

I. Genesis 32:1-21
Jacob anticipated his reunion with Esau with prayer and gifts for his brother.

--> How am I responding to the scary and uncertain situation that I'm facing?

II. Genesis 32:22-32
Jacob wrestled with God, receiving God's blessing and a new name, Israel.

--> How much do I really desire God's blessing?

III. Genesis 33
Jacob and Esau reunited in joy and graciousness.

--> How often do I give God all the glory for a successful outcome?

Monday, March 13, 2006

Bitter kisses

Today was generally a great day all around.

1) I ate pretty well. I had way too many hershey kisses at night, but ate pretty darn reasonable during the day, so I think it ended ok. Less HKs tomorrow!!

2) I'm so blessed at work. I'm completely not angry anymore about the new boss thing. Strangely not angry. I'm really ok with it. I had a meeting today about it and I just feel so blessed at work. I feel like I've been really favored, much more than I deserve or can comprehend. My leaders and looking out for me and have plans for me. I've decided it's much easier if I'm just grateful to them, and trust what they have in store for me. That's a lot easier than fighting (even if just emotionally) to do it my way. So far, I've been ridiculously blessed by THEIR way, so I think I'll stick with it.

So, for tomorrow... need to get rid of all bitterness, should it arise again, and also the hershey kisses.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Sins of the honey-nut variety

Today I suffered from my lack of preparation, which I consider a terrible sin. I'm not being sarcastic here. It bugs me so much when I'm feeling the effects of my own lack of preparation...I really, really hate it. If I had just been more prepared, whatever it is, wouldn't have happened.

I have been so drama-queen busy the last week or two (which means I'm probably not as busy as I feel like I am), that I have not really bought food. If I don't buy food, no one will. We've been eating out a lot. I've had several different breakfast options, but I've been eating my way through each one. The last couple days, I've been left with who-knows-how-old honey nut cheerios, kept fresh from the miracles of tupperware. I know that I can't JUST eat a cereal like that (non fortified with uber amounts of protein and fiber) for breakfast, and still feel fine later that morning. My body just can't do it. So, I don't know if I was thinking..."Hey, I'm BUSY, surely my body and insulin levels will understand this for me!" Anyway, I had my cereal around 8:00 and around 11:00 had a major crash in the middle of church service. I was so hungry and was really focusing on not getting dizzy... just making it through till lunch. I wanted that full loaf of communion bread SO bad! I took an overly large portion and just hoped the Lord would forgive my communion selfishness.

The problem after service was that we had lunch plans with one of my husband's co-workers scheduled for 1/1:30ish, and we don't know her super well, so it's not like we were going to pop in and chow down. Church was done at 11:30 and I could not imagine waiting, let alone talking politely to someone first. We went to subway and got me a sandwich and him a couple cookies. YUM! Then we continued on to lunch and ate way too much at the co-workers house.

I felt so stupid for eating two lunches. I KNOW I can't eat a bowl of honey nut anything and then make it all the way to lunch time without eating the arm off someone next to me. I don't know why I try to test this limit every now and then. So, in the midst of trying to loose weight (which didn't happen this week, thanks to my stress induced complete lack of self-control last week), I ate TWO lunches today. This is a highlight (or would that be low-light?) of negative consequences.

I'm going on a work trip, followed by vacation in a week. I'll be gone for two weeks. Self-selected eating will be very challenging (even if I get to pick, I don't know the ingredients or how things are prepared), and exercise will be challenging. I'm trying to plan now (in all my free time!) so that I don't go blood-sugar crazy or spend two weeks completely sweat-free. My natural inclination would be to be a little bit anxiety driven...eating chocolate and ice cream and avoiding real exercise.

Hopefully the sick feeling I felt all afternoon today will be a good reminder on my trip to make healthy decisions throughout the day, especially at breakfast (ie need something more than pastries and frothy coffee)!

Friday, March 10, 2006

Genesis 29-31

One of my new joys in the last year is doing a Bible study on my own and actually finding applications by myself and learning from the Bible by myself. Every week when I do my homiletics, I'm am just tickled that I have the ability to study scripture and teach myself something, rather than just being spoon-fed in church.

Since that amazes me every week, I thought I might post the applications from my study.

Note: When I go to my Bible study group tomorrow, I'll find out if I interpreted things pretty correctly, or if I was WAY off. I'll try to come back and update if I think I was way off. In the meantime, I'll post what I think I learned.

Genesis 29-31
Subject: Jacob's family suffered because of Laban's deceptions, but left peacefully.

Aim to learn: God will bless longsuffering, and His timing is perfect.


  • In what areas am I choosing to give up, rather than persist on the path God has given me?
  • Where am I competing for blessings, rather than trusting God for His provision?
  • Do I work through trials with creativity, or do I pridefully fight back?
  • Am I willing to leave a difficult situation or relationship in peace, or do I insist on "winning" ?

Yes, this does comprise the excitement of my Friday nights. Please refer to my post a couple days ago about how BORING I am. =) Happy weekend...

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The day that sucketh

I've been thinking a lot this evening about support systems...the people you turn to.

I think I used to build support systems (aka friends) more easily. Over the years, I've dealt with some painful life experiences and a few painfully failed friendships. Through it all, I think I've become more guarded and don't make close friends as easily. All the while, I yearn for close friendships, to be known and loved by a small circle of dependable friends, but I have a hard time getting there.

My day at work today was very not good. We are re-organizing and the changes were announced today. The one thing I really didn't want to have happen to me, did happen to me. It's unfounded, unjust, and completely nonsensical. Apparently, I'm too inexperienced to do the very thing I'm already doing everyday. I wish someone had told me sooner!

As I tried to jog through my frustration (successful w/ the jogging, but not at getting rid of the frustration), I realized a deep sense of loss. I wasn't expecting that. My boss and two co-workers are all moving to other teams. My team will now be made up of a new boss (grrr), me, and my staff. I really enjoy managing the staff that I manage, but they aren't my support system. I can't fully relax with them - I'm "the boss" and need to always think about my actions and words with that filter on. With my boss and peers, I can be me. I can vent. I can support them and they can support me. As I thought about them, and that they are all leaving, I just felt really alone and empty. At the same time, it made me smile. I hadn't realized how much I had appreciated or needed this support system, but obviously I did. Even if it's ending now, I'm glad for the time we were together. I only wish I could have appreciated them more at the time. I'm going to miss everyone!

It was good to go through this emotional rollercoaster though because it has made me aware that I need to build better and more support systems. I need my friends more than I let myself realize and it's worth the risk to be a bit less guarded.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Feeling a little snarky

How happy to have had comments on my blog.

I must warn all of you commenters out there: no more falsely cheery (but really mean-spirited), completely unrelated blog comments shall be allowed from here on out. Too bad for you! If you want a blog filled with banter of snarkiness thinly veiled as compliments and funny remarks, then create your own snarky blog!

Comments shall only be about the blog topic, or a blog-related response to another blog-related comment. If my blog is boring to you, then too bad. Feel free to comment about how boring you think I am.

I'm in love with the word snarky. That's so great. And I love that the blog spell-check still doesn't know the word "blog". =)

Speaking of boring... I am pretty boring and I really don't care. I used to be embarrassed about how boring I was. I felt too young to be so boring. People always expected that I lived a more exciting and fun life because I was the age to be exciting and fun. I should have been partying! That has never been me.

I got married super young. Not because I had to, and not because I came from social circles where getting married young was normal. Nope. I just felt like "settling down" at 18 (didn't get married THAT young, but really, only because we knew it was way too abnormal... I was 20). When most college friends spent their money on cover charges, concerts, and beer, I was concerned with buying furniture and houses. But, I was embarrassed about it. I was boring and that wasn't normal. People thought it was weird that I wanted to work hard and have a nice home...and only be 21 or 22. They assumed I was a very un-boring person pretending to be a boring person just to fit in. They were wrong. I really was that boring.

Interesting...I just realized that this issue has turned around. When I was a bit younger, everyone knew I was young and expected me to act younger and less boring. As I've gotten a little older, people think I'm too young and not mature (in a working sense) enough. Hmmm...

I'm 27 and this is who I am. I'm both young, but not TOO young...and as boring and grown up as ever. If you think I am "too young" or just look too young to do such boring things as work freaking hard, manage a team well, understand how to get things done at work, and STILL come home to a nice (boring) home-life, then too freaking bad for you.

The nice thing about being young is I'm still optimistic about finding paths in work and life that I'm excited and passionate about. I have very little patience for people who think I'm either too young or too boring. Just watch me prove you wrong or do something else.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Cookie monster

I have one thing to say for today: blast the girl scout cookies.

And for a bit of personal responsibility...stop stress eating!!!

Blast, blast, blast.

And blast to you all who stress me out. Blast you! To you stress-inducers, I give you ten pounds and stick them on YOUR butt! See you how like it!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Diagnosis: Insane

If the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results, then I am insane.

I'm so frustrated. Today is Sunday - weigh in day. I actually gained a half pound over last week. UGHGHGHG!!!!!!! I'm so mad. I feel like I did a great job this week. There was one night that I had a splurgy dinner, but other than that, ate great all week. I worked out several times. What's wrong with my crazy body!?

Ok, that's what it feels like. This rant is what's going on in my head, but it's also the reason I'm insane. It isn't reality.

After wondering for a couple years now, and especially the last couple months, why I was having such "great" weeks, and yet not seeing any progress on the scale, I wondered how "great" I'm really doing. (If you hate overly-anal, extremely organized people, stop reading here.) I created a little color-coded scorecard for myself to track my weight-loss progress. I wanted a grade. Everyday, I get a green (plus) or pink (minus) for the following things:
  • Sleeping at least 7 hrs the night before
  • Being active that day (workout at the gym, hike, walk the dog, etc.)
  • Eating the right number of calories (+/- 100 of my goal)
  • My weight

If my weight that day was the same or lower than the day before, I get a green, if it's higher, than I get a pink. My real weight only counts once a week, but I figure that if it's going up all week, there's not a possible way for it to drop a bunch on Sunday. Anyway, I'm calculating the percentage of plus/green boxes in a week to tell me how successful I've been.

While I've had many "great" weeks lately, amazingly, the best grade I've gotten since the new year was a 71%...several weeks ago. This week, I got a 68%. That's a D. HELLO!?! Why on earth do I think I'm doing so great when I'm REALLY only being great 68% of the time?? That's crazy. My idea of "great" is obviously a bit messed up, and it obviously isn't producing the results I want.

Earlier today I was really mad at myself for gaining. Then I was mad at the scale...or whatever cosmic force is keeping me losing weight (notice the total lack of personal responsibility). Then I had to admit that I'm so stupid for even expecting a loss. I only made the right choices 68% of the time this week. Duh! So, then I was mad for being so backwards.

My goal is to get over 80%. If I get 5 pinks (2 inactive days, weight gain today, and not enough sleep Friday night), then that's 82%. I don't think I should expect great results unless I'm consistently getting a B.


Friday, March 03, 2006

Hercules, I am not.

When I realize that I can do something that I never thought "I" would do, I feel really strong. It's like I've been stuck in a box and I've just broken the walls down with my fists. It makes me feel amazing...I can accomplish ANYTHING! I rock!

I've had a bunch of stuff going on lately that is hard. Mentally exhausting. It peaked today... too much uncertainty and a lot of potential change. There's not even anything actually hard that is making me tired...just a lot of unknown, potentially hard things, all hitting me at once. All of a sudden today, I felt absolutely weak and it really surprised me. I sort of want to just curl up in a ball and sleep, except that I know that when I wake up, all of this same stuff is going to come flying at me.

Looking for something, however small, that I could control, I managed to hit the gym after work to continue my training (ha ha - that still makes me laugh that I'm "training"). As I got ready, I wondered why I can go from feeling so strong to so weak, so quickly. I don't like that about myself. I should be strong or weak, but not...both. Pick one! Where does this come from? As I realized the answer, I was flooded with a wave of guilt for forgetting it to begin with.

My strength is to come from the Lord. God will not give me anything more than I can bear. I am His, and I am here for His purpose, and His plan will be accomplished. I am called to be faithful and He will supply my needs. My strength can't come from my ability to impress myself; at some point, it isn't enough and then I will feel like I did earlier today.

So, right now, I'm exhausted and tired. There are a lot uncertainty and changes. I'm behind with lots and lots of things and have a ton to do. I feel buried.

I'm so weak, but He is so strong. Even when I don't remember it, it is always true.

Thank God!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Rules of the road

To all my friends reading my blog with whom I've lost any hope of blog-anonymity. I'm such a big mouth.

Ask and you shall receive... rules of my blog world.

My only real rule is that you are not allowed to make fun of me, my blog, and my topics in front of others that don't know about my blog. There are some people that I don't want to know my thoughts, and unless I let them into my world of self-reflection, they aren't welcome.

When we are alone, I can take it. You are allowed to be normal, which means you can make fun of me... about my blog, my selected topics, or what I say. It would be abnormal for you to NOT make fun. I can take it.

Please just remember that these are my thoughts and there are some people that I've chosen to NOT share them with.

Tease away...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Jedi in training

I had a jedi moment today, and it was so great. I had a busy day with a lot of uncertainty in it, but I did have a moment of jedi magic that gave me a sense of satisfaction all day.

I love the movie You've Got Mail; I've seen it hundred times. I often feel like Kathleen Kelly when she's explaining to Joe that she get suffers from being tongue tied when faced with a foe. Somebody says something mean to her, and she suddenly can't think clearly and respond. She just leaves feeling beat up. That's me.

I've been having a situation like that at work. I've been so insanely frustrated with someone. I felt like they were living in another reality than mine and being purposefully mean. I'm supposed to be working on a project with "Miss Horrid" but I can barely communicate with her because she makes me so mad. Today I had a meeting about the situation with her about our project. I was nervous that my brain-to-tongue connections would not function properly for the duration of the meeting.

Yet, alas, in my meeting today I had an amazing jedi moment. Praise God! I was blessed with clarity and calmness. For the first time, I was able to listen, and respond by just continually talking about how we could best meet our goals (which, of course, is MY way). I just brought everything back to how we could best meet our goals and the others agreed with me. I never had to deal with "I'm right and you're wrong" because I just kept focusing on the best way to solve our problem and shared the solution assumptively. It was beautiful. It was like I was playing jedi tricks on the others. Ha ha ha! I won! Take that, Miss Horrid!