Water

I've been in a bit of a hole. I don't know how else to describe it. I think I have a tendency to be depressed sometimes, although I don't usually think I'm really depressed... it seems to be far too linked to hormones or allergies. No denying it lately though, I've been in a hole and have had a hard time getting out.

I may have found my ladder again. Water.

The last couple of days, I have gone for a great walk at my new favorite park. The picture to the left is part of my amazing view for this 3 mile medicine. It's beautiful. I swear I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth.

The path curves along the south end of Lake Washington. Some parts of the trail offer the shade of trees. Other parts of the trail are actually a big dock (not for boats, just for walking) out on the water. The trail continues around the sandy swimming area.

Water has been a constant in my life. I love it and I need it. It flows steadily and continually, and keeps me moving steadily and continually. I spent much time on a sailboat as an infant, even before I remember it. There was one place my family lived for a few years that was not near the water, but even during that time, I spent much of my free time in a swimming pool. Ever since then, I've lived near the water. Except for a year and a half - when hubs and I lived about 30 minutes from the water. And this was an ISSUE. I used to tell him that we lived in Iowa and the air felt dusty to me. It smelled dusty. I swear it did, I wasn't just making that up. Too far from the water for sure. Thankfully, this park is only minutes from my home. Downhill. It's not even work for my car to get there... just float down the hill and exhale.

I find it interesting that water is such a friend to me. It's as dangerous as it is lovely. You can float in it, or you can sink in it. It gives and it takes. Actually, I nearly drowned when I was a toddler, but miraculously lived. That ocean gave me back to my parents and gave me life. We are friends.

I love that the oceans connect us all. I could go down my hill, get in a boat, and that water would take me anywhere in the world I would want to go. It could take me to the lovely beaches in Ocean City Maryland, southern California... or even India, Haiti, or Portugal...all beaches that I've enjoyed. The water I enjoyed today is the same water my parents are enjoying out on their boat right now.

I know that the water doesn't actually sustain me and bring me joy. I know my heavenly Father does. And all this beauty around me reminds me of His constant love. And you know what? I know He loves the water too. He spent the first days creating things out of the water, and in between the water, but left as much of it here. He didn't have to, and I'm glad he did.

Tomorrow I shall go on my three mile walk... through the trees, past the turtles that sit on the floating log, and along the floating walkways. And I shall thank God for getting me up and for blessing me with such beauty. For sustaining the sun, the breeze, the waves, and the trees. And for sustaining me.

Suffering

One of the things I've been thinking about in my post-trip processing, is the need to correctly understand the suffering for which we are compassionate towards. I think a vastly different culture and lifestyle can easily be confused for suffering; we confuse compassion for what should just be fascination. There are many things about other cultures which are not suffering - they are just different (cooking on the ground, washing clothes by hand in the river, etc.). We tend to believe the lie God's goal for us all is to be comfortable, and our goal for others is that they would have a lifestyle that is as comfortable as ours. Not that we should want people to NOT be comfortable, I just think we tend to use the goal of comfort as an idol, and perhaps much of our own comfort-seeking is sinful. I think it's interesting that many of these lifestyle differences that we see are so similar to how life would have been lived in Jesus' day - and it was just fine and acceptable. These are not things he takes issue with in the Bible.

To clarify my thinking about this, I wanted to define suffering. Is this defined in the Bible anywhere, or just described? I can't think of a specific definition. I was thinking that suffering is the lack of fullness of life that Jesus talks of. So, then I wanted to define "fullness of life" - again, this gets talked of often, but I don't think I've ever heard it defined. This is interesting to me because it needs to be something that only Jesus can truly fulfill, but something we can strive for. So, I was thinking that the fullness of life would be experienced when the effects of sin (broken relationships between people, between people and the earth, and between people and God) are removed and these relationships are restored.

This definition would work (by my thinking) in that only God can fully achieve this, but that we can try to restore these relationships to some extent - as much as we are able in our fallen world. It encompasses both physical and spiritual suffering, but also shows how physical suffering is a spiritual effect.

What do you think of these definitions? Do you think this is right thinking?

Good promise

I've been feeling some emotional/spiritual turmoil lately. I can't figure out what direction God wants my life to go in - what choices He wants me to make. I do trust that His way is good, but I don't feel like I can hear what way that is. Honestly, I'm frustrated. I don't feel like this is something that will work itself out over time - I feel like there are some finite decisions that need to be made.

I had been reminding myself that if I draw near to God, and listen for His voice, He will guide me. But as we are in holy week, I've been reading so many passages of times that Jesus spoke to the disciples and they didn't hear him; He walked with them and they didn't see Him. What if He is directing me and I can't hear Him?

But, alas, our God has a funny sense of humor.

I was reminded today by my boss of our scripture verse for the year (my Christian workplace has a verse every year). It's a promise for me at this time:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalm 32:8

I've actually had this verse on a card in the back of my Bible since October and just never look at it. It's painfully applicable today. What a promise. What a promise that God knew I would need in April.

I may not hear His voice today, but I know He will (eventually) instruct, teach, and counsel me. Best of all, His eye is upon me.

Sleeping Pill of Suburbia

I'm a Jacob. I wrestle with God continually, and while I sometimes pray that He would just break my hip and be done with it, I am thankful that He is patient with this child. It is a joy to know that He loves me personally enough to bother with me. I'm sure I exasperate my Father regularly.

Often, this blog is used for the outworking of that wrestling. If you a reader, thanks for your patience. I'm sure you sometimes get exasperated with me too! Please just know that my thoughts are barely half-baked when I post them here. The writing exercise itself is therapeutic.

Frequently, my pastor admonishes the congregation to fight to wake-up because we are completely and totally surrounded by the sleeping pill that is suburbia. We might live here, but we need to fight at not being sucked in. It's so easy to be comfortable, and then just desire comfort. To be safe, and then desire safety. To be surrounded by beauty, and then require it. Don't take the sleeping pill that is suburbia. You can live there, but we need to wake up. Be in the world, but not of it.

I've gone through such range of emotions during the last year regarding children. You can read back to past posts about how I've been a crazed, alien-woman with babies on the brain. Over the last several years, "baby brain" has been my typical state of existence. So, when I tell you that I have been wondering the last couple of days if hubs and I are meant to have children, you can be as shocked as I was. Today I realized that I definitely do want a family, but that I'm so totally scared to take that step. Who am I? Who took over my brain? This certainly can't be the same woman as before. Seriously - where did Hormona go? Oh, doesn't God have a funny sense of humor?

The way that hubs and I stay awake and fight the suburban sleeping pill, is through my work...focused on serving the poor around the world. I know God placed me where I'm at at work, and I'm honored to be doing what I do. But, I know that when we have kids I will be a full-time mom, and that part of my life will go away. I'm so afraid that the moment we have kids we will simultaneously be taking the suburban sleeping pill and I will wake up 20 or 30 years later with polite, Godly children (Lord-willing), but personally feel distant from God, and not serving at all. I've seen it happen. It's too easy to get sucked into all the decisions (nursery decoration, feeding schedules, discipline methods, school choices, etc.), convince that your full ministry is your children (not that it isn't a ministry because it is)...that your purpose IS your children, and you become self-focused or child-focused, and not God-focused.

I've seen so many people who become convicted that they need to be serving, so they do more in the church. Great. We are a unique family ordained by God and we ought to serve each other. However, this isn't enough for me. I think the church can take the suburban sleeping pill too. So many ministries are good, loving, and kind...but they are all about making sure that we suburban-sleepers maintain our desired levels of comfort, safety, and beauty. There are ministries in the church that make the church become inwardly focused as we focus on improving or maintaining our own life, by the world's standards. Don't get me wrong, so many of these ministries are loving, great things we can do for one another. It is good to serve one another. But it's not enough to ward off the sleeping pill...it's just a Christian sleeping pill.

Also, I will add that this isn't about pride with MY job or MY career. I'm beyond that...I get that I have nothing to do with my job. I really don't know how I ended up doing what I did; I know it's all God.

I don't know what to do to ensure that babies don't equal sleeping pill; we'll be giving up our current wake up call. I'm scared though. I don't have any happy thoughts to end this with, or any nice reflections that will wrap this up well. Just my heart on my sleeve...or keyboard.

Puzzle Pieces

I had a friend once tell me that the thing she loved about me was that I know exactly what I want in life.

I thought about that today, and didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry. What an elusive thing, to know exactly what you want. I've been debating if I should call and tell her, just so she doesn't hold me up on too high of a pedestal.

I suppose that she is right. Ultimately, all I want is to glorify God. Truly. May the consequences of my sin demonstrate His wrath and glorify Him. May my need for a savior glorify Him. May He be glorified in the way He has provided me a savior. May He be glorified in my depression. May He be glorified by providing my joy. May my life glorify God and nothing else.

But then, there are the day-to-day decisions that must be made, and I feel like I often don't know which decision will glorify God. At that point, I have no idea what exactly I should do, ought to do, or want to do.

At this very moment in my life, I feel like I have a lot of puzzle pieces, but they don't seem to belong to the same puzzle. I don't understand how they are supposed to fit together. I don't even know why I have the pieces I have. I can't connect any of the pieces, and I can't find the border pieces.

If you can't find any border pieces, at least try to find the corners - start with the corners. Ok, that's easy. The corners of the puzzle would have to be God the Father, Jesus the Son, the Holy Spirit, and the Church (which is where I am). Great...that's like saying I want to glorify God. It's a good thing to understand, that the corners of my life puzzle have to be the trinity and God's Church, but what does that mean for my day-to-day decisions? Back to the border pieces. None of my pieces connect (that I can tell) and none of them are border pieces...at least not to me.

I had a good complaint prayer session with God this morning. I yelled at Him (don't worry - I fully worship Him, thanked Him, and confessed to Him first): I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THESE PUZZLE PIECES MEAN. PLEASE. JUST. TELL. ME.

I guess my friend was right - I really do know what I want. What I want in life is to know very clearly what God wants. And it would be nice if he would just send me an email or something and let me know. He wrote me a whole book, and it's a good book, but I'm not getting the message clearly enough.

Delaying children?

I have a question for you and would love to hear your thoughts. Comments are welcome! Please hang in there and read to the bottom for the question. I'll try to be brief, but it's not my best skill!

Hubs and I have been waiting for many years to start having children. We will celebrate our 8th anniversary this summer. We got married while still in college and were quite young....and got pretty good at being busy with life instead of parenting. Still, it's been a long time and we're ready. I'm REALLY ready. Actually, it's been neat to see God working on my heart. Not too long ago, I was throwing temper tantrums in response to my great desire for children. I wanted babies NOW. I asked God to change my heart, and give me His patience and contentment. I've come to trust Him with our future family. I know fully that He may not even have plans to bless us with children - that isn't promised. God may have another plan entirely. And you know what? My heart has changed. Of course I would love to have a house filled with little ones, but even more so, I want my home and family to glorify God - in whatever way God would have for us. If He doesn't have children planned for us, then I can't wait to find out what His plan is.

That being said, with great contentment and peace, our plan is to start trying to have children soon. As it turns out, I think I'm going to have an opportunity to travel to Africa for work right around the exact same time we were planning for this. The problem? I would have to take lots of vaccinations, and you shouldn't get pregnant for three months after you get the vaccines. If we have to wait a few months, it would likely be more like 5-6 months... to try, in some attempt, to avoid having babies in the middle of summer (long story for another day...just know it would cause great family angst for us to have a summer baby).

So... question of the year (or, of eight years!): Is it worth a free trip to Africa to postpone children for 5 more months, or should I choose babies first, and decline the trip? If it was a trip with my church instead of work, would it make a difference? Should it? Does it make a difference to wait 5 more months, when I've waited 8 years? Is this a test from God to choose family over work, or is it an opportunity from God to go to a place that I won't be able to go for many more years (since I won't be taking an infant there) and see His face in the eyes of suffering children?

I can't believe after all this, after all this waiting, I'm likely being given this choice. Please, please please, I'd love your thoughts. What would you do?

Questions 9 & 10

I'm starting this week off looking at questions nine and ten from the Westminster Shorter Catechism.

Q. 9. What is the work of creation?
A. The work of creation is, God’s making all things of nothing, by the word of his power,[24] in the space of six days, and all very good.[25]

Q. 10. How did God create man?
A. God created man male and female, after his own image,[26] in knowledge,[27] righteousness, and holiness,[28] with dominion over the creatures.[29]

I'm glad that I happen to be looking at these two questions together. I've been re-listening (on CD) to a sermon my pastor gave about marriage. One of the points made was that the only thing in all of creation that wasn't declared "good" was that Adam was alone; the human situation was only "good" after he received his wife. One of the things I think most interesting about this is that God knew it wouldn't be good for man to be alone. He could have created both beings from the start, but He didn't. Why? I think it was so that man would know He needed woman - he experienced that need as he searched through and named the animal kingdom. He longed for someone, and God gave Him the gift of a wife. I think it also taught woman that she was made for the purpose of being a helpmate to God. She was created purposefully and intentionally, but her purpose is fully wrapped up in her relationship to man.

My prayer is that I remember that I was created by God, that it was "good", that I was created to be a support and helpmate to my husband, that "husband" was created first but needs a "wife" as God created her to be, and that I am made in God's image and should reflect it!

This text is timely in my life right now. I am so thankful for my husband. We've been married for nearly 8 years, but I feel like I'm just now learning how be be a Godly wife. May God strengthen me in this area and use me to bless my husband.

Constant

I wrote a couple days ago about choosing pain to achieve a desired end-result. I just started an orthodontic process (braces, but with clear plastic trays instead of metal). Since my teeth and their pain have been front-and-center in my thoughts, so has this.

This whole orthodontic tray thingy hurts. Really, my teeth are doing ok. So far, there is much less soreness of my actual teeth than when I had traditional braces years ago. The part that hurts is my tongue and inside of my lips. You see, the edges of these trays are a tad sharp and my tongue/lips are a bit raw. It's constant. There is no where else to put my tongue or lips. They are constantly irritated. But, as it continually hurts, I continually think about the end result. I could take out the trays if I wanted to, but I don't. I just remind myself that I'm straightening my teeth and it will be great in the end!

I can't help but notice that I wish I were more like this spiritually. To constantly know the pain that I cause God, to constantly recognize the grace He has given me, to constantly feel the process of sanctification - if dying to self and turning towards to Lord, and to constantly be reminded of the end-result. God working in me would be so easy to see and to feel. Praying constantly would a given. How could you not?

Perhaps this is the beauty of having children (for those of you that have them!). You have little reminders of your God's gifts running around you all the time...and then eventually they start saying things to you that reveal your flaws. Maybe this is why God gives us children. I only have a dog and she doesn't humble me at all. She just loves me, and the space heater under my desk, and to her, I AM God. Anyway... (By the way, does anyone ever desire children for the purpose the humility-training? Or does the realization of that benefit come later?)

I've been praying lately for God to remind me of my sin - to show it to me. It's so ugly, but it's real. It's so easy for me to slip into a frame of mind where I forget my sin. My life is pretty good. Yep, doing pretty good today. Life looks great. I forget that even my best efforts are filthy rags, but by Christ's righteousness (and by nothing else), I have beautiful, clean garments. (Zechariah 3:3-4).

My sin is constant. Grace is constant. And I wish I were better at remembering it constantly.

Chosing Pain

I started a new journey today: Invisalign orthodontics. In just about 12 months from now, I will have straight, pretty teeth. I suppose they are pretty now, but not as straight as I'd like. I hate to admit it, but I actually did have traditional braces in junior high, but they were taken off too soon and it didn't take too long for my teeth to move back quite a bit.

So far, this is pretty darn cool. The whole thing is done with the clear, plastic trays that you wear all time time, except when eating. Each set of trays lasts for two weeks, and then you switch to the next set. I've already gotten to see digital imaging of how my teeth will change. This is pretty cool technology!

Improvement is painful, and yet, we need to make a purposeful choice to go through that painful process. I excitedly started this process today, knowing that I will experience a lot of soreness in my mouth, and a bit of inconvenience. I considered my options, and I decided to endure a year of mouth-pain to win the prize of straight teeth. This is true of many physical things. My husband needs to get his wisdom teeth taken our this year. We know it will have a good outcome, but we also know it will be a hard, painful, trying process. I think childbirth (and rearing) and the greatest examples... we joyfully accept the pain, the changes, and the massive inconveniences all for the greater benefits we will receive in adding to our family.

How immature would we be to avoid the painful process altogether - never enjoying the better outcome, for fear of the short-term pain. How often does short-term pain keep me from growing?

We frequently do this in our spiritual lives. Sanctification is painful, but the outcome that God has in store is better than we can even imagine. Are we willing to endure the painful process? It takes realness with God, vulnerability. We need to ask, to listen, and then to DO. Do I want to become more become? I can bet my pride will be challenged. Do I want to become more patient? I should plan on waiting a lot. Do I really want to jump in to these painful processes?

It's become pretty easy for me to value the long-term benefit over short-term pain when it comes to physical things. I can endure painful teeth and nursing my husband after his wisdom teeth are pulled. These are tangible things with tangible outcomes.

May God help me to value the long-term benefits over short-term pain when it comes to spiritual things; that I will so greatly value His final prize, that there would never be a question of the trade-off.

Sin, sin, go away - don't come back another day

I've been thinking about sin lately. This I hate: as a new creation in Christ, we will still sin - guaranteed. I initially wrote that we would "struggle with sin" - that sounds so much more PC. Of course there will be struggle, but the hard truth is that we WILL sin. We can't fool ourselves into thinking we become sin-free in any way. I especially hate how I can struggle with periodic willful sin. It's so ugly. I've been trying to learn that as ugly as I am during these times, that is my true self. My true sin-nature IS that ugly all the time. And then grace is all the more beautiful. Where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more. What a merciful, loving God we have.

Anyway, I've been thinking about some specific times that I've sinned grievously. We all have. There are things I've done and said that I just regret. I've repented and I know I'm forgiven. Yet, that's not the end of it...I have more I need to do. I know that there are underlying sins that made it so I was susceptible to the sin-action. I don't think I've fully dealt with those sins, lies, and wrong-thinking that lead to my sin. And if I don't dig them out, it will surely resurface. I need to spend some time in prayer about this.

I cannot wait for heaven. Sinning, conviction, repentance....just the full process of sanctification is really tiring to me! Praise God for His patience, and that He doesn't get tired of me!

Questions 7 & 8

Continuing in this journey, I thought I would go ahead and consider questions 7 and 8 from the Westminster Shorter Catechism.

Q. 7. What are the decrees of God?
A. The decrees of God are, his eternal purpose, according to the counsel of his will, whereby, for his own glory, he hath foreordained whatsoever comes to pass.[22]

Q. 8. How doth God execute his decrees?
A. God executeth his decrees in the works of creation and providence.[23]

I can't help but notice how many times the word "His" is used here. It's all about HIM. Not me. His decrees = His purpose, will, glory... That is my lesson this year. God is to be glorified in all things.

Back to my resolution: Q5 & Q6

You may recall my goal to review one question from the Westminster Shorter Catechism per week. I'm a bit behind. Ok, a lot behind. That's ok. God's mercies are new every morning. I'll just get back into it and maybe review two at a time until I catch up.

Q. 5. Are there more Gods than one?
A. There is but one only,[18] the living and true God.[19]

Q. 6. How many persons are there in the Godhead?
A. There are three persons in the Godhead: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost;[20] and these three are one God, the same in substance, equal in power and glory.[21]

A few thoughts...

There is only one God: the true, living God. As we approach Easter, it's so good to remember that our God is a living God. God became man (Jesus Christ), and though He died a physical death, He defeated death: He came back to life, physically walked on earth again, and then went to Heaven to be with God, the Father.

Why does it matter that He conquered death? Death is the outcome of sin. If we are believers in and followers of Christ, He has defeated sin in us too. He is stronger than sin. More powerful than sin. We will fight sin, which is Satan at work in our world, all the days of our lives, and our God has already proven that He wins. He has conquered death in the body of Christ. He conquers sin in our lives. We already know how this great battle will win, for our God is alive and well. Death did not conquer Him, rather, He already won that battle. God lives.

Regarding the Holy Spirit... I love that this is a picture of how marriage ought to be. It's a hard concept for something to be separate but one. People struggle with marriage - are we one unit and giving up our individual personalities, or are we separate people but lacking in marital unity? What is God's plan? We have the trinity to teach us. We are to be one body: HusbandAndWife. One. A new creation together. A new created being. Like the trinity, this doesn't remove the unique people that we are and our unique personalities. We can act uniquely. In the trinity, each person of the God-head has a unique role. They have unique characteristics and attributes. They can act independently. BUT, they are consistent to each other. You won't see God, Jesus, and the Spirit contradicting one another. They have different, all important roles to play, but the goal is always to carry out God's plan. There is order and a purpose to their roles. They are all working independently but together to work out God's plan that was prepared in advance. What a gift God has given us to teach us how to be married, and married well.

There is no more a fitting response than to praise God, the true God, for His gift of the son, who paid for our sin, and the spirit, who is our comforter and guarantee of coming inheritance.

Romans 11:33-36

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

“For who has known the mind of the Lord,
or who has been his counselor?”

“Or who has given a gift to him
that he might be repaid?”

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.

Perspective

It's interesting to me how I can have a completely different attitude about something depending on which side of it I'm looking from.

It's a sunny 65 degrees today, although the tree branches are still bare. It's beautiful and freeing. I'm beckoned by the dog's leash and my walking shoes. Oh, I just want to be outside. It's warm enough to go for a walk in pants and a t-shirt, without a jacket. Yesterday, I took the dog for a walk, got the mail on the way back, and flipped through my catalogs on the back porch. Spring is trying ever so desperately to break forth, and we all desire it to. At Bible study last night, the hallway buzz was all about how it was still light out during our drive. Not one day goes by without talk of daylight savings time happening next weekend, and how we can't wait for it! It is sunny, warm, and we just want more of it!

I love this moment - this warm anticipation of spring, and summer to come. Part of it, I'm sure, is my body's response to light and warmth - it just feels good. However, I also love the irony of it all. I can't help notice that in just a couple months, 65 degrees will be so very cold. Sweaters and jackets will come out and we will all grumble about the poor weather.

This phenomenon comes up in other areas too, of course. The first snow storm is a joy, but the fourth or fifth one, when the kids will be in school until July, is an irritation. Is the snow not just as beautiful the fifth time as it was the first? A chocolate chip cookie is delectable, unless I've had too many and am trying to lose 10 pounds. Then, a chocolate chip cookie is nothing less of temptation straight from Satan. Is it not just the same ingredients baked the same way?

And the big kahuna... God seems good and loving when all is going well, and when I get what I want, but He seems harsh and cruel when bad things happen that I didn't want. God seems personal and close one day, yet distant another.

In all these cases, the world around me and my God who loves me is the same. It is me who changes and my perspective. This is an area where I differ from God. I am fickle and change my opinion a lot. My truth depends on my perspective. God is unchanging. He is all true all the time. We know from Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." In all of His qualities, He is all of them, all of the time, and always will be. If my perspective changes, it is me who changed, not God. And since God doesn't change, then one of my opinions was surely wrong.

God is the same, and my attitude should be too. God is joy, so I should have joy all the time. God is peace, so I should have peace all the time. Of course, the seasons will change. But, 65 degrees is the same as 65 degrees, and our God is always the giver of joy and peace, all the time.

Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Happy One Year Bloggiversary!

Today marks a VERY special occasion - it is my one year anniversary of this blog. It seems like so much has changed, and at the same time, like not much has changed.

My first blog post was about forcing myself to to the gym. My most recent post was about a renewed commitment to go to the gym. I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that working out is going to have to be a life-long thing for me. I can't get in shape and stop going to the gym. It's a cycle of denial that I'm tired of.

In my posts a year ago, I was struggling with the Easter candy out in the stores. I've already faced this struggle this year, with some failure, although less failure than last year.

I'm repeating some of the same mistakes. Failing in some of the same areas. I can also see that more of my life is cyclical than I ever recognize. I respond to seasons, weather, holidays, traditions, with both good and bad responses...but predictable ones. There is a benefit here. I can read postings from last spring, and prepare myself for the months to come. Last March, I struggled with the temptation of girl scout cookies. I forgot about that...I can prepare myself a month early...before the boxes are staring at me next month.

And much has changed. I started running, I ran a race, and I stopped running. I went through a re-org at work, enjoyed the outcome, but then decided I should be working as a wife more than an employee, and I now work part-time at home. I went to India last spring, and I won't be able to go back this spring, but I do think I'll have the opportunity to go to Africa this spring or summer, which has been a great desire. I struggled with my deep desire to have children, but have learned to rest in God's timing and plan, and have received His peace and contentment. I wrote about friends who got pregnant, and are now almost due...I'm in a season of baby showers. I decorated my home, bought a house, and sold a house (it closes to tomorrow!).

A year seems like a short increment of time in the grand scheme of things. It goes by so fast. Yet, a year ago, my life was completely different. I had different views of things. Different thinking. But, God continues to work on me - to mold me and shape me. I suppose that I keep working through the same temptations and struggles, but as God changes me, the outcomes will continue to change. I can't wait to see what my life will be like a year from now. =)

New day, new year. Happy bloggiversary to me!

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. -- Lamentations 3: 21-26

Following the Father

For some reason, this February, the Father is using alliteration to teach me to follow Him fully. Last night during my Bible study lecture, God laid three words on my heart: food, fitness, and finances. I need to follow my Father faithfully, in my food choices, my fitness needs, and my finances. I wrote them down and knew I'd need them in my memory bank for later.

Somehow, with the help of the alliteration, I remembered to pray for strength this morning (to get up and go to the gym), rather than postponing it another day. I often give into the temptation (to eat another sweet treat, or go back to sleep, or buy some needless thing/food) before I remember that I'm even wanting to not do these things. I do it before even remembering to pray or ask for help.

This morning I woke up and was so sleepy. Thoughts of going back to sleep danced in my head...luring me back. The mental debate began.

Pillow is so soft. I love bed. I can go to the gym tomorrow. I won't have very long to workout anyway, so it's not really going to make a big difference. Mmmm...bed. No, stop it. I was supposed to remember three things. What were they? Think... What were they? Ugh... too tired. Oh yeah - food, fitness, finances. Oh yeah. Alright God - wake me up - this has to be you. I want to glorify YOU in my food, fitness, and financial choices. And I can't do that laying in bed every morning.

And it worked. Up I went. I made us breakfast and headed to the gym. It was only a meager 15 minutes of cardio, and 10 minutes of strength training, but that was so much more than...staying in bed.

What a personal God I have. He knows my sleepy mental debates and my sleep-filled temptations. Somehow He knows that alliteration will help me remember Him in the morning.

I've been repeating these words today. When I wanted a sweet treat, I thought...what were they again? Oh yeah: food, fitness, finances. No sweet treat, but no deprived feeling either - just thanks to God for the self-control the Spirit gives us.

Church battles

Yesterday was a long day. Very long.

We actually got up and made it to church in time for Sunday School, followed by worship service. The church served lunch, although we went out for lunch - I'm craving control over my food after travelling for a week. While in DC, I had Lebanese food for dinner one night and Afghani food another night, and while both dinners were good, I really wanted something nice and normal, and that I picked out! After lunch, there was an annual congregational meeting at church that lasted until 3pm.

Our church is having a huge debate about spending $130k (an after-effect of just spending a couple million on a new sanctuary building). Basically, we are not contractually obligated to pay the 130k, but it seems like the "higher road" to take in some debates we're having with the contractor. The elders have voted that we should pay it, and we won't need to pay interest on it or anything. I love that they took this approach. A church shouldn't waste God's money, we need be good stewards, but we shouldn't hang on to it too tightly either. The meeting got really ugly. People were horrible. People are vaguely hinting about leaving.

We're a bit shocked. This is $130k out of more than 2 million. Really, this is small in comparison. Also, we have an elder-led church, and I'm surprised at how easily it has been for congregants to fight meanly against our leadership when we don't like what they have to say.

Our church is almost always wonderful, loving, gentle, etc... and the only two times that I've seen people act otherwise are both regarding money issues. It's sad, and gives me something to pray about for my church.

We cancelled our church small-group meeting in the evening. After two hours of church argument, we were all exhausted. Today, I'm tired and disappointed.

Lots of People

I just returned from a weekend retreat with 2,400 other leaders from Bible Study Fellowship. Oh my gosh - that is a lot of people! It was so wonderful to sing beautiful, timeless hymns to our Lord in a choir of 2,400 people. I don't think I've ever had an experience like that, and I can only pray that I will again this side of heaven. And not any 2,400 people. I got to worship our Lord with 2,400 people that I KNOW are all committed Christians with a desire to serve Him and spread His word across our land. That was an amazing experience.

This weekend just made me fall in love with God even more, and BSF for being a wonderful tool in His hand. God is so good, and the only way we can know Him is through His word.

If you are looking for a God-centered Bible study, GO. Try it. Just do it. Don't wait. I'm serious. Really. You can find classes on the website. There are a jillion of them, so you have no excuse. If you have a hard time making God's word a daily part of your life, or a hard time understanding scripture, or a hard time figuring out how to apply it to your life, you will love BSF.

God is good - ALL the time! (You know, since He created time and He exists aside from time and is timeless, He would have to be good ALL the time, wouldn't He?)

Now, to get my lesson done for tomorrow... =)

Confession

Never got around to posting this last week, so here are two at once:

Questions 3 & 4 from the Westminster Shorter Catechism:

Q. 3. What do the Scriptures principally teach?
A. The Scriptures principally teach, what man is to believe concerning God,[5] and what duty God requires of man.[6]

Q. 4. What is God?
A. God is a Spirit,[7] infinite,[8] eternal,[9] and unchangeable,[10] in his being,[11] wisdom,[12] power,[13] holiness,[14] justice,[15] goodness,[16] and truth.[17]

These are such great attributes of God. What a great way to begin our prayers - telling God that we know who He is by the attributes He has shown us. I think we often act like God is so mysterious, very distant, and like we don't know Him at all. And of course, many Christians really don't know Him. However, God has revealed Himself to us generally and specifically. There is no reason we shouldn't know Him. As Question 3 tells us, all we need to know and believe about God are in the Bible. All that God expects of us is there too. He has fully revealed Himself and His requirements to us. We are truly left without excuse.

I have known many (including myself at times) who struggle and struggle to know what to think about a situation or theological issue. Yet, have they searched for the answer in God's word? No. Should the confusion be a surprise? No.

Should we expect to find the right answer in our own wisdom? No.

Should we be surprised to find ourselves lost when we refuse to walk on the marked (and maintained!) trail? No.

I wish I could add to #4: God is worthy of our glory and praise...because He is infinite, eternal, unchangeable, wise, powerful, holy, just, good, and true.

To be known

My church is having a women's gathering this Friday night, with the specific purpose of getting to know each other on a deeper level. I think a few of the gals who have been at the church forever have recently realized that we now have many more women who have started coming (myself included), and we don't all know each other very well. The "old group" knows each other really well, and maybe haven't been very purposeful about getting to know the newer ones. I'm glad they've realized it and am glad they are reaching out.

I feed off social gatherings, so I'm very excited. I love to know others and long to be known. I love getting to know a woman, but hate that initial phase of just saying "hi, how are you...oh, good..." to one another and talking through the pleasantries. I long to get past that and am sad when I realize that I won't be able to move beyond it with a particular friend. I only have a couple female friends right now who really know me - one whom I've been able to "move beyond" with, and I love it. I cherish them. I'm actually not a very private person (that probably isn't a shock to you, given that I write about everything on here. I tend to lay it all out there in hopes that a gal will see something in me that clicks with her and we'll become friends. I don't know what to do with people that are overly private.

At the women's gathering on Friday, we're going to interview a few women to get to know them more. There will be a woman who has been at the church for a long time, one for a medium amount of time, and one for a pretty short amount of time. Guess what? They asked me to be the "shorter time" person. I instantly said yes because I'm comfortable talking in groups, I'm not that private, and I really long to be known and develop deeper friendships.

They sent me some sample interview questions. This is just supposed to be an interactive way for me to tell my testimony and share about myself, so I'm supposed to let them know which questions apply to my "story" and which don't.

I've read over the questions and decided that this is really intimidating! I've scheduled this evening to be set aside just for reflecting. I'm not sure what I'm going to say for most of these questions. I think it really would be easier to just tell my story, but I'd probably leave out some things that the questions will bring out.

Here are a sampling:

• Was there a significant event in your life that brought you to salvation or drew you closer to the Lord? Tell us about the context and how it affected you.
• If your salvation brought any dramatic changes to your life, paint a before and after picture for us.
  
• Tell us about a miracle you've witnessed and the impact it had on your life.
  
• What sacrifices has God led you to make? What have you learned?
• What were your dreams before you met Christ and how have they changed?

These are just a few. Oh my. I've been so busy lately; I'm not feeling very reflective. I'm also feeling a little depressed, so I need to clear my head and ask God to show me what is true in my life, what He has done, and how He has worked. I want to give Him the glory for all that is good, but I'm in a mood where "all the good" isn't the first thing that comes to mind.

I'm very thankful that God is merciful and kind, and He is constant - regardless of my mood. God is who He is, and that my moods don't define Him.

Where are the babies?

If you've been reading my blog for long, you know that I want children very much, and hubs and I are waiting for God to let "us" know when it's time for us to be parents. God is teaching me patience! I've given my desire to God and am trusting Him and His perfect timing, and I am happy to report that it has been going pretty well. Life's worries are much easier when you are trusting God with them!

Yet, with the desire for children, it is a bit hard. First, there's the whole hormonal thing. If God wants me to wait, it would be much easier if He could please miraculously change my hormones so that they are on the same page as Him.

Then, there are the social issues. The last few days, I've been bombarded (well, it has felt like bombardment) with family and church comments. Oh, you know the comments (unless you had babies at 22, in which case, you probably got other comments). Let me just say: I am 28 years old. I didn't think that was ancient. I'm not even 28 and almost a whole year - nope, I JUST turned 28. So, you know, I'm barely there. Still pretty mid-twenties....almost. The world has now categorized me and hubs as a couple who is choosing to have children late in life, if at all. Apparently, we're "focusing on our careers" instead of a family (ugh...I've heard that so many times). I don't think we look as young as we used to and we've crossed some sort of social barrier. Apparently, I'm now old when it comes to having babies.

We had family Christmas last weekend. My sister has an almost two-month old, so there was a lot of baby talk. One aunt, who did choose to have babies later (started around 35), was talking with me as if I were making the same choice...talking about how great it is to have babies later. She thought we could bond on this issue, compared to my sister who had children younger (younger being 27!) like my mom (pregnant at 25). In another discussion, we were talking about how many children I might want and the benefits or struggles of different choices on this issue. One aunt teasingly pointed out that in order to have any of these amounts, one must first start having babies. Ahhh.... so THAT's the problem!

Now, I'm going to interrupt myself to comment here. If YOU are one who ever makes comments to people about having children, you need to be really, really careful. I've had so many comments made. Often this is a little painful just because I desperately want children very badly. The commenters usually assume that I don't want children and that's why we don't have children. Ouch. However, I have thought about how painful the comments would be if we actually were trying to have kids, but were having fertility problems (which we aren't, praise God). You just never know.

Ok...back to my story. In church yesterday, we met a young couple (without kids) who were visiting. Another church member knew the visitors and made sure that we had met them. Specifically us. Why? Well, let me tell you. Hubs and I (realized this yesterday) that we are the only youngish, married couple in church that doesn't have kids. WE needed to meet this visiting couple because we were the only ones they would meet that were married but didn't have kids. Really - there are single people, there are young couples with young kids, there are older couples, old people, etc., but only one couple who is married and doesn't have kids. Me.

So, I've gotten frustrated. This is not how I want to be defined.

I'm not sure why it hit me today, but I realized today that I'm the age now that my mom was when she had me. She was 28. Except... I was the youngest and last child (of two), and I was born two weeks after she turned 28. So, if I were my mom, I'd have a little one running around and be extremely pregnant with an amazing little girl at the moment. Actually, I was a bit late, so if I were pregnant on my mom's time line, I'd be due right about...now. To me there is something a bit special and meaningful about doing something at the same time as one who has gone before you, and I'm missing this one.

So, today, I was a bit down. Enough that I wanted to come home, sit hubs down, and really try to explain very logically why really truly NOW is the time and we really should start trying to have kids now. Really.

Thankfully, God is in control and not me. Thankfully, I had a 20 minute drive home and was listening to some good hymns. The song Blessed Assurance came on:
Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

I need to submit to the Lord's timing, and my husband's plans. My joy is to come from the Lord, and nothing else.

I think back to how much I've changed over the seven years I've been married. I've changed a lot. My theology has changed a LOT. My thoughts about God, doctrine, how to be a good wife, how to be a homemaker, the importance of these things, how to teach children, what to teach children... all of these things have changed drastically.

I think God is preparing me, His child, to raise children that will glorify Him. If I were to take this timing into my own hands, I will only mess it all up because I won't be ready (in His standards) to be a mother for the children He is going to give me. Maybe He's got some really difficult kids in store for me and so I need more pre-training. If He does, that's ok. All I know, is that the only one who does know is God. I trust Him.

And finally, for something totally unrelated, this is my 100th post! But, I only just realized that and I'm posting this anyway. I'll do 100+1 things about me for my 101st post. =)