Waiting to shop

Baby status: 7 weeks
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Yesterday I went shopping with my mom for some baby-room inspiration. In less than 13 weeks we will be able to find out the gender of this little one. Since I really want a gender neutral nursery and bedding, I have less than 13 weeks to determine how we want to paint and decorate the room, and what type of bedding I'd like to make or buy. I think that if I know the gender of the baby, it will be nearly impossible to pick truly neutral things.

I would also like to pick relatively quickly because I've got a few grandmas that will probably start making baby blankets before I decide who my midwife will be. Without any color preferences, I know I'll receive a mountain of bubblegum pink and mint green yarn and stitchery, and I know enough to know that those AREN'T the colors we'll be going for.

Thirteen weeks is not that long considering I've had zero ideas about what I'd like to do. So, mom and I went out yesterday to spy at some posh baby stores, hoping to get some ideas from their little room displays and overly priced bedding (baby blanket for $80??).

The day was going well and good ideas were everywhere.

We mostly played with the idea of a whimsical, old-fashioned beach theme. I love the beach, so surely any baby of mine will too. I commented that there are so many beach things going on sale soon, since it's the end of summer. Without a pause and in all seriousness, my mom commented that it's too bad that it's too early to buy anything. You know... just in case.

The conversation continued and I was just stunned and hurt. Of course I know the risks, and I know it's early in my pregnancy. I think about the risk of miscarriage every single day, and my way of dealing with that is to plan for the baby that is alive and making me nauseous. I know my mom is a little sensitive because she miscarried in her first pregnancy, pretty late in her first trimester. A traumatic memory for sure.

Here's the deal: My mom's (and friends and family's) job is to joyfully celebrate and plan for this life growing inside of me, and should I go through the pain of losing the baby, then their job is to just love me and help me grieve.

So will I stop dreaming of this little one...their eyes, their smile, and what their new bedroom will look like? Absolutely not.

Besides...most of my day is spent sleeping and eating crackers. Who really has time to do much shopping??