Sleeping Pill of Suburbia

I'm a Jacob. I wrestle with God continually, and while I sometimes pray that He would just break my hip and be done with it, I am thankful that He is patient with this child. It is a joy to know that He loves me personally enough to bother with me. I'm sure I exasperate my Father regularly.

Often, this blog is used for the outworking of that wrestling. If you a reader, thanks for your patience. I'm sure you sometimes get exasperated with me too! Please just know that my thoughts are barely half-baked when I post them here. The writing exercise itself is therapeutic.

Frequently, my pastor admonishes the congregation to fight to wake-up because we are completely and totally surrounded by the sleeping pill that is suburbia. We might live here, but we need to fight at not being sucked in. It's so easy to be comfortable, and then just desire comfort. To be safe, and then desire safety. To be surrounded by beauty, and then require it. Don't take the sleeping pill that is suburbia. You can live there, but we need to wake up. Be in the world, but not of it.

I've gone through such range of emotions during the last year regarding children. You can read back to past posts about how I've been a crazed, alien-woman with babies on the brain. Over the last several years, "baby brain" has been my typical state of existence. So, when I tell you that I have been wondering the last couple of days if hubs and I are meant to have children, you can be as shocked as I was. Today I realized that I definitely do want a family, but that I'm so totally scared to take that step. Who am I? Who took over my brain? This certainly can't be the same woman as before. Seriously - where did Hormona go? Oh, doesn't God have a funny sense of humor?

The way that hubs and I stay awake and fight the suburban sleeping pill, is through my work...focused on serving the poor around the world. I know God placed me where I'm at at work, and I'm honored to be doing what I do. But, I know that when we have kids I will be a full-time mom, and that part of my life will go away. I'm so afraid that the moment we have kids we will simultaneously be taking the suburban sleeping pill and I will wake up 20 or 30 years later with polite, Godly children (Lord-willing), but personally feel distant from God, and not serving at all. I've seen it happen. It's too easy to get sucked into all the decisions (nursery decoration, feeding schedules, discipline methods, school choices, etc.), convince that your full ministry is your children (not that it isn't a ministry because it is)...that your purpose IS your children, and you become self-focused or child-focused, and not God-focused.

I've seen so many people who become convicted that they need to be serving, so they do more in the church. Great. We are a unique family ordained by God and we ought to serve each other. However, this isn't enough for me. I think the church can take the suburban sleeping pill too. So many ministries are good, loving, and kind...but they are all about making sure that we suburban-sleepers maintain our desired levels of comfort, safety, and beauty. There are ministries in the church that make the church become inwardly focused as we focus on improving or maintaining our own life, by the world's standards. Don't get me wrong, so many of these ministries are loving, great things we can do for one another. It is good to serve one another. But it's not enough to ward off the sleeping pill...it's just a Christian sleeping pill.

Also, I will add that this isn't about pride with MY job or MY career. I'm beyond that...I get that I have nothing to do with my job. I really don't know how I ended up doing what I did; I know it's all God.

I don't know what to do to ensure that babies don't equal sleeping pill; we'll be giving up our current wake up call. I'm scared though. I don't have any happy thoughts to end this with, or any nice reflections that will wrap this up well. Just my heart on my sleeve...or keyboard.