Monday, May 01, 2006

Unreflective reflections

I've been feeling a lot of pressure regarding my blog. Sometimes I don't write because I feel like I need to have some super brilliant reflection about my life and circumstances. I've got...nothing. Then I feel guilty. I feel like I SHOULD spend more time reflecting and thinking about what my actions and inactions mean, but I'm too darn busy being busy. It's a vicious cycle, with no time to reflect on it to end it. The guilt has been building, so today I decided to break the ice and just post something - brilliancy not required.

Part of the reason I've been avoiding my self-reflection is that I don't like my reflection right now in the mirror. I'm avoiding clothes shopping right now too. I feel fat. I'm on the verge (or maybe I passed the verge a few weeks ago?) of needing new clothes. I'm too big for mine. I don't think I look good in most anything I've got. But I refuse to deal with this and admit that I'm a chub, at least compared to where I was. So, oh so logically, I'm feeling fat wearing too-tight clothes. I'm just praying that I will close my eyes for a night, and wake up 10 pounds thinner and I will fit nice in my clothes again. Ugh...I really don't want new, bigger clothes. I'm basically choosing to be a big baby about this issue. Really. My parents just bought a new, bigger boat with much more sun-bathing area than their old boat. That should be exciting and wonderful. The thought of me in my bathing suit (or bikini - yeah right) makes me want to crawl into a hole. With cheesecake.

Speaking of being a big baby, I want a baby. Babies. This has not changed. I think I would pay someone to let me babysit their kids right now just so I can play with babies. I just found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. It's a bit of an accident, but they are super excited. I'm really excited for her...and jealous. I hate being jealous. I shouldn't be. God has put me in my place and circumstance and I shouldn't want anything other than His plan for me. I don't think Hormona respects that.

Ok. That's all the reflecting I have time for. I'm tired (ala busy being busy). I really don't like how busy I am. I want to clean and organize and decorate and plan a menu and buy a watch and take my dry cleaning in and sew curtains.

I need to think of some mantra that will remind me that I should be happy and cheerful. I think it's in Philippians 4 somewhere...

Goodnight. =) Think thin. (that's really not the mantra I should be looking for)

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