fear not

I'm not an overly fearful person, but I am cautious, and do tend to see the potential danger in a situation. I sometimes wonder how I would act in a truly fearful situation. What if something really bad was going to happen to me or my family. Would I stay rational, or completely break down? At the same time, I sometimes wonder if I'll be ok alone. Not that I ever plan on really being alone, but it could happen someday...at least when I'm old. Or even when I'm just alone with kids when husband is a work. I don't do so good alone and I wonder if I will I'll be ok later....especially when you combine the alone thing and the fear thing.

I think I'll be ok though. I've had a few moments when I've been alone and afraid, one was Sunday night, and I think it's really interesting to see how I react. (Be warned: this little story of being alone and afraid is really stupid.)

Since husband is east-coasting it, I had garbage duty on Sunday night. I had been busy and didn't get to it until about 11pm - cold and dark. When I went over to our gate to get the garbage can, I saw that our gate was open. It's still partly under construction, which means that the way we lock it is with a bungee cord on the inside of the framing. I really can't tell how it could come undone - it attaches rather securely to the steel frame. It's pretty impossible to reach in and undo it from the outside - I've tried, and I'm positive it was closed and latched. So, it should not have been unlatched and I have no idea how it happened. I took out the garbage, wondering if there was someone hiding in my shed waiting to kill me. Seriously. As I came back up for the recycling bins, I looked at the big yard waste bin and wondered if there was someone hiding in it waiting to kill me. I could just imagine that as I reached out to grab the big bin, it would be heavy and someone inside would jump out. I would be left for dead in my yard or house. Hopefully, I'd have enough time to scream, and maybe one of my neighbors would come out. I'd have to scream loud. My dog would probably go exploring, since she was outside with me. She'd probably be taken to the pound since I didn't have her collar on. I realized that if she had her collar on, then when someone found her they would bring her home and find me.

I debated if I should leave the yard bin this week, rather than take it down to the street. If I didn't touch it, the killer guy maybe wouldn't jump out at me to kill me. However, I promised that I would take out the garbage, which includes the yard bin - I can't allow a crazy imagination to prevent my rational responsibilities.

So... I, all alone and completely filled with fear, very rationally went inside with the dog to put on her collar, to ensure that my body would be found after I was killed and she ran away. Then, the dog and I went back out to the yard bin, which was empty, and finished with the recycling bins. As I walked them down to the street I was ready to die. I was sure I was going to. I continued on with my chores as I had promised. Somehow, the dog and I made it back inside the fence, re-latched it, made it back in the house, locked the doors behind me, and took her collar back off.

The garbage was successfully taken out to the curb and I lived.

I am alive.

alone and alone

I just realized that I only write depressing things on my blog. I wondered why that is...all could come up with is that maybe I assume that I really should keep those thoughts to myself, so I don't share them with my friends...or maybe they wouldn't want to be my friend. Hmmm...

My husband is travelling and I've been alone for a week and a day now. It was ok at first, but I've just hit the super lonely phase. I guess a week was my max. I can keep pretty busy for a week, but then my alone-ness sets in. Today was hard because I've been struggling with...something (sorry, still private)... and really need a friend to reassure me. I know what I need to do, and I know it's in line with what God wants for me, but there are so many other things that are so tempting. Anyway, today I needed reassurance. Since this is still sort of private, and the few people who know what's going on aren't all in agreement or unbiased, the only person who really could have helped was my husband...sort of. (Or maybe God? Maybe I should try talking to Him more... that's probably the more accurate answer, actually.) Steve and I have gotten to a point of his trip where our phone conversations are no longer really very connecting...we talk but it's sort of a pain. He's busy in his east coast world, and I'm busy in my west coast world. I'm desperate for a hug and reassurance, but he's busy w/ work, studying, rental cars, and hotels. So, I'm home alone, and emotionally alone. I need a hug and reassurance and there is no one. Except my dog. She's good for a hug (and a kiss...but that's actually not wanted). Tomorrow is my anniversary. Alone. Only 1 week and 2 days until I see him.

Sorry I'm so depressing. I don't think I'm really so depressed in general, I just save it all up to vomit onto the internet.

New Month, New Day

For some reason, May is always a hard month for me. I think it started in my junior year in high school, when May gave me two car accidents, a speeding ticket, a cop who pulled me over to meet his holiday weekend quote (seriously, he told me that), and my first detention ever, which was given to make me an example for the other AP students. I was just praying for May to end. This May has also been hard. Not quite THAT bad, but just hard. Work has been hard. Home life is hard: husband is preparing to be gone for several different trips for 5 weeks straight - leaving tomorrow. May was filled with a lot of anxiety and general too-busyness. My Bible study for the year ended in May. I was glad for the break, but also so sad to have it end. I was loving my study of Genesis - Jacob and Joseph became my friends. I'm nervous about staying the Word this summer, which is absolutely needed, but hard and not my natural, fallen desire. On top of it all, I really don't like my current body with its extra padding, and I'm really nervous about getting ready (shopping!) for husband's graduation activities and following vacation. I have no summer clothes that fit. No shorts. When I've been over-weight in the past, I always feel like I look better in fall/winter clothes - I can hide in them, but not in summer clothes.

But it's June now. May is over. It's time for a plan. Stop the whining! I don't have solutions for all of it, by any means, but worrying about it isn't going to help.

First, I've signed up for a new weight-loss program online. I'm changing my eating and working out 5 days a week. I've been jogging regularly, but haven't been back in the gym for strength training since before my India trip. The new program gives me a detailed workout to do each day, so I just take it to the gym and do what it tells me. I did it the other day and am so sore now. I can't remember the last time that I did a workout on my own (no trainer) and ended up sore! Not that being sore is good, but I am pretty impressed that I managed to do an hour long work out that made my body WORK!

Husband and I are going shopping tonight, and I've got a couple other times noted in the next few weeks that will be perfect for shopping. I hope I'll find a few things that will work. It is what it is, so I just need to find some clothes that fit and I'm comfortable in.

I actually got out my Bible yesterday and started reading Colossians. I think I'm actually nervous to read it after my Bible study. As if there was a way to fail at reading the bible. I'm so weird. I know God has something He would like to teach me this summer, so I just need to do what I can to learn it.

Ok, I have to go now to go to the gym, then go for a jog (hopefully with a rollerblading husband w/ me), then choir practice at church (special dedication service tomorrow afternoon, so there is a special choir for that), then an afternoon/evening of shopping. Fun! An, as a special gift from God, it is beautifully sunny today. Because It is all going to be ok, and my Father knows exactly what I need and when and He will provide it.