Tuesday, June 13, 2006

fear not

I'm not an overly fearful person, but I am cautious, and do tend to see the potential danger in a situation. I sometimes wonder how I would act in a truly fearful situation. What if something really bad was going to happen to me or my family. Would I stay rational, or completely break down? At the same time, I sometimes wonder if I'll be ok alone. Not that I ever plan on really being alone, but it could happen someday...at least when I'm old. Or even when I'm just alone with kids when husband is a work. I don't do so good alone and I wonder if I will I'll be ok later....especially when you combine the alone thing and the fear thing.

I think I'll be ok though. I've had a few moments when I've been alone and afraid, one was Sunday night, and I think it's really interesting to see how I react. (Be warned: this little story of being alone and afraid is really stupid.)

Since husband is east-coasting it, I had garbage duty on Sunday night. I had been busy and didn't get to it until about 11pm - cold and dark. When I went over to our gate to get the garbage can, I saw that our gate was open. It's still partly under construction, which means that the way we lock it is with a bungee cord on the inside of the framing. I really can't tell how it could come undone - it attaches rather securely to the steel frame. It's pretty impossible to reach in and undo it from the outside - I've tried, and I'm positive it was closed and latched. So, it should not have been unlatched and I have no idea how it happened. I took out the garbage, wondering if there was someone hiding in my shed waiting to kill me. Seriously. As I came back up for the recycling bins, I looked at the big yard waste bin and wondered if there was someone hiding in it waiting to kill me. I could just imagine that as I reached out to grab the big bin, it would be heavy and someone inside would jump out. I would be left for dead in my yard or house. Hopefully, I'd have enough time to scream, and maybe one of my neighbors would come out. I'd have to scream loud. My dog would probably go exploring, since she was outside with me. She'd probably be taken to the pound since I didn't have her collar on. I realized that if she had her collar on, then when someone found her they would bring her home and find me.

I debated if I should leave the yard bin this week, rather than take it down to the street. If I didn't touch it, the killer guy maybe wouldn't jump out at me to kill me. However, I promised that I would take out the garbage, which includes the yard bin - I can't allow a crazy imagination to prevent my rational responsibilities.

So... I, all alone and completely filled with fear, very rationally went inside with the dog to put on her collar, to ensure that my body would be found after I was killed and she ran away. Then, the dog and I went back out to the yard bin, which was empty, and finished with the recycling bins. As I walked them down to the street I was ready to die. I was sure I was going to. I continued on with my chores as I had promised. Somehow, the dog and I made it back inside the fence, re-latched it, made it back in the house, locked the doors behind me, and took her collar back off.

The garbage was successfully taken out to the curb and I lived.

I am alive.

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