Sunday, July 23, 2006

time to breathe

I feel like I've been holding my breathe.

I've had this ongoing debate about trials, which you can read about in past postings. It's written pretty vaguely - partially for privacy reasons, and at times, partially because it's hard to put things in writing on the internet and have to admit that they really are true. I don't know why clicking the "publish" button makes you admit truth, but it does.

It's time to breathe. In, again. I took a very scary step in my life, one that I have full confidence in. At the same time, I've crossed a line that I can't undo if I wanted.

After much prayer, pastoral counsel, discussion with husband, and complete peace, I realized that I am not in Godly obedience, which leads to much stress and personal trauma. God has given me a job to do - to be a wife/support to my husband and keep our home. Any other job I do in life must be secondary to this job. However, I have not been obedient to this; this doesn't describe my life at all. I work full time (sometimes, full-time plus), and when I come home, I'm hungry and focused on me, my work, and my stress. I desire to be a better wife, but I'm still very focused on ME. My husband has been a great support to me, but I'm not a great support to him. I've come to the conclusion that I need to change things so that I am living in obedience. I finally met with my boss and told her how my life needs to change. I want to work about 30 hours a week, and mostly from home, and I told her my full reason why. I've built up a pretty good reputation at work, which I knew would help me, but I also knew that I work at a place that is historically VERY traditional - there aren't a lot of flexible work arrangements. The day I was meeting with her, my husband called after to see if I still had a job.

God is so good. He always is, and even if I didn't receive earthly blessings, He would be just as good. In this case, I have been blessed (boy, I need another word...I say this too much) to receive piles of earthly blessings, which is a wonderful affirmation to my decision. My meetings have gone wonderfully. My boss, and her boss have both been really supportive and fully understanding. They are working on new opportunities for me.

The hardest thing in all of this has been to tell my boss and her boss about my decision. I was 100% confident of it, but just the act of telling them, and not knowing how they would react, was the worst. I realized that *I* typically don't ever do or say things intentionally that my person in authority won't like. I just don't. When I was little, I would lie to my parents if I knew the real answer wasn't the one they wanted. I never purposed to lie. I didn't want to be a liar. It really wasn't a debate in my head. I just knew what the right answer was, and that was what would come out. In school, I was always a teachers pet. My teachers always liked me. Always. I have been a super star at work. Rather than ever tell my boss that something can't be done, or is too hard, or would take too long, I just figure it out and do it. I suppose that in many ways, that trait has helped me succeed. However, it made this discussion, to tell my boss that I needed to drastically change my life and make their part of it less important, massively painful. But, I did it. Both meetings went great, very affirming. And now I can breathe. I think this was the most relaxing weekend I've had in years.

Now I am going to work on patience for a couple months (while decisions are made and jobs transition). I CAN'T wait to work from home. I started organizing my desk at home this weekend and want nothing more than to be home with my dog tomorrow.

About this weekend... it has been crazy hot. HOT. About 97 degrees hot. In Seattle. I know God created the world and our weather, but does He remember that in Seattle, we do not have air conditioners?? It's HOT. It's 10pm right now and it's finally comfortable (in shorts and a tank top) outside. It hasn't been comfortable since 10 am this morning. It's cute...husband and I are sitting outside (since the house can be about 10 degrees hotter than the outside temp) at our patio table, both on our laptops, drinking a blended limeade/vodka concoction (yum), with a mosquito candle burning. It's all very cute. We had a fantastic day today. We had a BBQ with a couple other couples from our church small group at a local beach park on Lake Washington. We BBQ'd good food and hung out in the lake up to our knees (watched the kids in the group swim), and horribly regretted leaving the bathing suits at home. It was wonderful anyway. It was so much cooler than at home, and it was SO pretty outside. I really wish I was working at home tomorrow so that I could go to the beach mid-day. That beach is only 1o minutes from our house, so I can go all the time if I want. It was great!

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