I think an alien has taken over my body. I've named her Hormona. She does not care about my work, about my mid-stage remodeled home, or about the fact that my home only has one bathroom, for now. Hormona wants babies. Babies, babies, babies. Oi.
I, the sane one, have a plan. A spreadsheet. A husband who has not been taken over by Hormona's ideas. He is rational. We are rational, well-planned people. This isn't me, it's her. Darn her. Seriously, this is out of control and crazy.
The good news is that my God is bigger than Hormona. We are not blessed by God changing our circumstances. God blesses us for our faithfulness in our circumstances.
So for now, the "I"M WAITING" voice just has to be louder than Hormona's voice in my head.
I hope this doesn't make me clinically crazy.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
New favorite snack
I'm an extremely habitual eater. I find a meal or snack that I like and I could eat it daily for a long time...two weeks to two years.
My current favorite snack consists of:
1/2c fat free or lowfat PLAIN yogurt
a packet of splenda
1/4c organic blueberries (for some reason the organic ones I get are smaller than normal)
a few rasberries
1/2c grapenuts
about 12 almonds chopped into tiny tiny bits
It's a crunchy, yogurty, sweet treat filled with a good balance of carbs, proteins, and fats. I have a hard time finding snacks that have protein and fat. This one is a hit! I use frozen berries and combine them with the yogurt in the morning. They thaw out in my lunchbag (w/ an ice thingy in it to keep the yogurt cold) and then I add the grapenuts and almonds right before I eat it. Yum yum yum.
My current favorite snack consists of:
1/2c fat free or lowfat PLAIN yogurt
a packet of splenda
1/4c organic blueberries (for some reason the organic ones I get are smaller than normal)
a few rasberries
1/2c grapenuts
about 12 almonds chopped into tiny tiny bits
It's a crunchy, yogurty, sweet treat filled with a good balance of carbs, proteins, and fats. I have a hard time finding snacks that have protein and fat. This one is a hit! I use frozen berries and combine them with the yogurt in the morning. They thaw out in my lunchbag (w/ an ice thingy in it to keep the yogurt cold) and then I add the grapenuts and almonds right before I eat it. Yum yum yum.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Amnesia
I think I get amnesia. I tend to forget about things...just get busy doing other things, and it's amazing to me what happens (or doesn't happen) when I don't focus on something. I think that's why I'm always exhausted. My status quo feature doesn't work. So, if I'm not totally focusing on something, I may as well be trying to ruin it.
If I stop focusing on eating healthy, I gain 5 pounds almost instantly. If I stop focusing praying and doing my Bible study, I just start thinking that I'm actually in control of things and just sort of forget about God. If we stop focusing on our yard and home maintenance, we get clogged gutters and massive puddles of standing water on our roof (very shallow slope, although not totally flat).
I think some people can do "status quo" better than I can. I tend to live in the extremes, so unless I'm focusing on staying balanced, there is no balance to be found.
So, I'm back to focusing on my food and exercise. I have to. HAVE TO! Actually, after my panic attack last week about my weight, I lost a whole pound. I was up a couple after Easter (thank you, applie pie and chocolate truffles), so we'll see if it evens out the next couple days.
Today I went back to Bible study today for the first time in a bunch of weeks. When I'm not actively doing my bible study, I think of it as burdensome. It's so much work! But when I'm there or doing it through the week, I'm reminded of how much I love it and how GOOD and FAITHFUL God is. God is so good!
All of this new found re-focusing is very tiring. I'm going to bed.
Good night!
k noel.
If I stop focusing on eating healthy, I gain 5 pounds almost instantly. If I stop focusing praying and doing my Bible study, I just start thinking that I'm actually in control of things and just sort of forget about God. If we stop focusing on our yard and home maintenance, we get clogged gutters and massive puddles of standing water on our roof (very shallow slope, although not totally flat).
I think some people can do "status quo" better than I can. I tend to live in the extremes, so unless I'm focusing on staying balanced, there is no balance to be found.
So, I'm back to focusing on my food and exercise. I have to. HAVE TO! Actually, after my panic attack last week about my weight, I lost a whole pound. I was up a couple after Easter (thank you, applie pie and chocolate truffles), so we'll see if it evens out the next couple days.
Today I went back to Bible study today for the first time in a bunch of weeks. When I'm not actively doing my bible study, I think of it as burdensome. It's so much work! But when I'm there or doing it through the week, I'm reminded of how much I love it and how GOOD and FAITHFUL God is. God is so good!
All of this new found re-focusing is very tiring. I'm going to bed.
Good night!
k noel.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Good Friday?
I've realized that I want to say things on my blog that I really wouldn't usually talk about with some of my friends, and yet, I know my friends will probably be reading my blog. I suppose that's part of the challenge. I'm going to be me. Emotionally naked, I guess. That's the risk. Take it or leave it. I'm generally not too obsessive/compulsive, but I am about my weight. That's me.
I've been depressed since my last posting. Well, that's probably overly dramatic, but too bad. I realized that I've gained back a full half of the weight I lost a long time ago. Half. HALF. That means that if I gain as much weight as I've gained in the last two years, I will be just as chubby as I was to begin with. AGH and NO. I refuse. So, I'm in a sad state. Everything I eat makes me wonder if I'll gain weight, if it will fill me up, or if i will be able to make up for it later in the day. The joy of food is gone. All food is filled with guilt. I hate how I look right now and how my clothes fit. My pants are too tight. All my clothes are too tight. I really just want to crawl into a hole, go to sleep or even just wait in total boredom, and come out 15 pounds thinner. I know 15 pounds isn't a ton, but - for all you judgmental readers - I'm short! That makes a huge difference on me.
I'm going to my husbands graduation (masters) this June. 2 months. I NEED to be thinner. Seriously. I'm panicked that I won't be able to do it.
Anyway...
Tomorrow is Good Friday and Sunday is Easter. I LOVE Easter. It snuck up on me this year and I'm hoping I can keep in mind the whole point of Easter. I'm afraid I might be too busy cleaning and doing things and worrying about food to pay attention. Darn me. I'm really upset with my family about Easter. So far, no one in my family is planning on having an Easter dinner. Steve and I really can't. We'll have both just flown in after being gone for a month and our luggage barfed in our house. Besides, we live quite a bit further south than the rest of the family and they wouldn't want to drive here after church, especially since my dad has to work later that night. I gave my mom a little lecture about Christ's resurrection and how Easter should be more important to us than any other holiday. She's going to call me tomorrow and let me know if there is a dinner anywhere. I can't imagine pizza for Easter dinner, unless I'm in London at Pizza Express. I hate that my CHRISTIAN family is all so whatever about Easter. Hello! And, I hate that my sister made Easter plans with her brother and sister in law (other side) for Easter night. Our family always gets together on Easter so it's annoying to me that she's going to their house. Why not just invite them to be with our family? This has made me really grumpy.
I've got my dog back, and that makes me happy.
I'm too moody tonight. I'm up way too late procrastinating all the things I need to do tomorrow. Good Friday to you.
Tired me. Tired of me?
I've been depressed since my last posting. Well, that's probably overly dramatic, but too bad. I realized that I've gained back a full half of the weight I lost a long time ago. Half. HALF. That means that if I gain as much weight as I've gained in the last two years, I will be just as chubby as I was to begin with. AGH and NO. I refuse. So, I'm in a sad state. Everything I eat makes me wonder if I'll gain weight, if it will fill me up, or if i will be able to make up for it later in the day. The joy of food is gone. All food is filled with guilt. I hate how I look right now and how my clothes fit. My pants are too tight. All my clothes are too tight. I really just want to crawl into a hole, go to sleep or even just wait in total boredom, and come out 15 pounds thinner. I know 15 pounds isn't a ton, but - for all you judgmental readers - I'm short! That makes a huge difference on me.
I'm going to my husbands graduation (masters) this June. 2 months. I NEED to be thinner. Seriously. I'm panicked that I won't be able to do it.
Anyway...
Tomorrow is Good Friday and Sunday is Easter. I LOVE Easter. It snuck up on me this year and I'm hoping I can keep in mind the whole point of Easter. I'm afraid I might be too busy cleaning and doing things and worrying about food to pay attention. Darn me. I'm really upset with my family about Easter. So far, no one in my family is planning on having an Easter dinner. Steve and I really can't. We'll have both just flown in after being gone for a month and our luggage barfed in our house. Besides, we live quite a bit further south than the rest of the family and they wouldn't want to drive here after church, especially since my dad has to work later that night. I gave my mom a little lecture about Christ's resurrection and how Easter should be more important to us than any other holiday. She's going to call me tomorrow and let me know if there is a dinner anywhere. I can't imagine pizza for Easter dinner, unless I'm in London at Pizza Express. I hate that my CHRISTIAN family is all so whatever about Easter. Hello! And, I hate that my sister made Easter plans with her brother and sister in law (other side) for Easter night. Our family always gets together on Easter so it's annoying to me that she's going to their house. Why not just invite them to be with our family? This has made me really grumpy.
I've got my dog back, and that makes me happy.
I'm too moody tonight. I'm up way too late procrastinating all the things I need to do tomorrow. Good Friday to you.
Tired me. Tired of me?
Thursday, April 06, 2006
But I'm home now
I'm back home. I didn't miss home too terribly much until I got home. I don't get my dog back until tomorrow night and I really miss my dog.
There's a song by Dido called "Sand in my Shoes" and I love the lyrics. Part of it goes "Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed / But I'm home now / And things still look the same..." I was gone for two and a half weeks. My life changed and I assume that everything changed. It seems like so much longer than just a couple weeks. I love traveling in late March though because so much happens with our plants here right at that time that when I come home after only being gone for 2.5 weeks, everything really has changed. When I left, it still looked like winter outside. It was cold and rainy, and all the trees were still bare. When I returned it was sunny and warm. The daffodils are up and the trees are pink and flowery. I love it. I love going away on a trip where I feel like I grow personally, and when I come home, everything around me is growing. It makes me feel like they are growing and flowering just for me.
I hated leaving India. I really didn't miss home at that moment. I was excited to see Steve in London, but I really didn't want to leave. Part of it may have been that I don't know when or if I'll ever get to go back and see some of my friends again. I could barely hold back the tears as I said goodbye to everyone.
London was awesome. I love that city. I went to St. Paul's for the first time and was amazed. It was so heavenly. It makes me really amazed as I wonder what heaven will really be like. If humans a thousand years ago were able to dream up Westminster Abbey and St. Paul's cathedral AND build them, I can't even fathom how beautiful heaven will be.
I always figured that monks were always short plump men who were pretty out of shape. However, the monks in charge of going up all the stairs at St. Paul's could not have been too plump or out of shape at all. It is quite a work out! I wondered how many people over the years have died or had a heart attack on those stairs.
Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed, but I'm home now... and went jogging yesterday and today. I really have 14 pounds I need to lose. I managed to not gain or lose an ounce during my trip, which I'm really satisfied with (given all the pastries and yummies I consumed in London!), but I'm still at a point of needing to shrink a bit. I hate how I look right now. I'd be happy with my size if I had children already and were 40 or 50 years old, but I'm not. This will not do.
There's a song by Dido called "Sand in my Shoes" and I love the lyrics. Part of it goes "Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed / But I'm home now / And things still look the same..." I was gone for two and a half weeks. My life changed and I assume that everything changed. It seems like so much longer than just a couple weeks. I love traveling in late March though because so much happens with our plants here right at that time that when I come home after only being gone for 2.5 weeks, everything really has changed. When I left, it still looked like winter outside. It was cold and rainy, and all the trees were still bare. When I returned it was sunny and warm. The daffodils are up and the trees are pink and flowery. I love it. I love going away on a trip where I feel like I grow personally, and when I come home, everything around me is growing. It makes me feel like they are growing and flowering just for me.
I hated leaving India. I really didn't miss home at that moment. I was excited to see Steve in London, but I really didn't want to leave. Part of it may have been that I don't know when or if I'll ever get to go back and see some of my friends again. I could barely hold back the tears as I said goodbye to everyone.
London was awesome. I love that city. I went to St. Paul's for the first time and was amazed. It was so heavenly. It makes me really amazed as I wonder what heaven will really be like. If humans a thousand years ago were able to dream up Westminster Abbey and St. Paul's cathedral AND build them, I can't even fathom how beautiful heaven will be.
I always figured that monks were always short plump men who were pretty out of shape. However, the monks in charge of going up all the stairs at St. Paul's could not have been too plump or out of shape at all. It is quite a work out! I wondered how many people over the years have died or had a heart attack on those stairs.
Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed, but I'm home now... and went jogging yesterday and today. I really have 14 pounds I need to lose. I managed to not gain or lose an ounce during my trip, which I'm really satisfied with (given all the pastries and yummies I consumed in London!), but I'm still at a point of needing to shrink a bit. I hate how I look right now. I'd be happy with my size if I had children already and were 40 or 50 years old, but I'm not. This will not do.
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