Thursday, April 13, 2006

Good Friday?

I've realized that I want to say things on my blog that I really wouldn't usually talk about with some of my friends, and yet, I know my friends will probably be reading my blog. I suppose that's part of the challenge. I'm going to be me. Emotionally naked, I guess. That's the risk. Take it or leave it. I'm generally not too obsessive/compulsive, but I am about my weight. That's me.

I've been depressed since my last posting. Well, that's probably overly dramatic, but too bad. I realized that I've gained back a full half of the weight I lost a long time ago. Half. HALF. That means that if I gain as much weight as I've gained in the last two years, I will be just as chubby as I was to begin with. AGH and NO. I refuse. So, I'm in a sad state. Everything I eat makes me wonder if I'll gain weight, if it will fill me up, or if i will be able to make up for it later in the day. The joy of food is gone. All food is filled with guilt. I hate how I look right now and how my clothes fit. My pants are too tight. All my clothes are too tight. I really just want to crawl into a hole, go to sleep or even just wait in total boredom, and come out 15 pounds thinner. I know 15 pounds isn't a ton, but - for all you judgmental readers - I'm short! That makes a huge difference on me.

I'm going to my husbands graduation (masters) this June. 2 months. I NEED to be thinner. Seriously. I'm panicked that I won't be able to do it.


Tomorrow is Good Friday and Sunday is Easter. I LOVE Easter. It snuck up on me this year and I'm hoping I can keep in mind the whole point of Easter. I'm afraid I might be too busy cleaning and doing things and worrying about food to pay attention. Darn me. I'm really upset with my family about Easter. So far, no one in my family is planning on having an Easter dinner. Steve and I really can't. We'll have both just flown in after being gone for a month and our luggage barfed in our house. Besides, we live quite a bit further south than the rest of the family and they wouldn't want to drive here after church, especially since my dad has to work later that night. I gave my mom a little lecture about Christ's resurrection and how Easter should be more important to us than any other holiday. She's going to call me tomorrow and let me know if there is a dinner anywhere. I can't imagine pizza for Easter dinner, unless I'm in London at Pizza Express. I hate that my CHRISTIAN family is all so whatever about Easter. Hello! And, I hate that my sister made Easter plans with her brother and sister in law (other side) for Easter night. Our family always gets together on Easter so it's annoying to me that she's going to their house. Why not just invite them to be with our family? This has made me really grumpy.

I've got my dog back, and that makes me happy.

I'm too moody tonight. I'm up way too late procrastinating all the things I need to do tomorrow. Good Friday to you.

Tired me. Tired of me?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Not sure if I was one of the people you were worried about reading this, but. . . for what it's worth . . .I feel EXACTLY the same way right now. Two months for me too, and mine is 20. Hang in there, but, I agree. On one hand, I'm not willing to accept that I'm just going to gradually slide into a permanently pudgy existence, but on the other hand, I hate not being able to enjoy eating.

I always felt like I could just lose it whenever I wanted, because I'd been skinny my whole life. Then, when I did lose it all in like 3 weeks (under admittedly extreme circumstances), I felt like it just proved that fact. Made me kind of cocky about it, actually. And now, I'm wondering, what if I can't lose it? What if I never do?