Monday, January 08, 2007

Where are the babies?

If you've been reading my blog for long, you know that I want children very much, and hubs and I are waiting for God to let "us" know when it's time for us to be parents. God is teaching me patience! I've given my desire to God and am trusting Him and His perfect timing, and I am happy to report that it has been going pretty well. Life's worries are much easier when you are trusting God with them!

Yet, with the desire for children, it is a bit hard. First, there's the whole hormonal thing. If God wants me to wait, it would be much easier if He could please miraculously change my hormones so that they are on the same page as Him.

Then, there are the social issues. The last few days, I've been bombarded (well, it has felt like bombardment) with family and church comments. Oh, you know the comments (unless you had babies at 22, in which case, you probably got other comments). Let me just say: I am 28 years old. I didn't think that was ancient. I'm not even 28 and almost a whole year - nope, I JUST turned 28. So, you know, I'm barely there. Still pretty mid-twenties....almost. The world has now categorized me and hubs as a couple who is choosing to have children late in life, if at all. Apparently, we're "focusing on our careers" instead of a family (ugh...I've heard that so many times). I don't think we look as young as we used to and we've crossed some sort of social barrier. Apparently, I'm now old when it comes to having babies.

We had family Christmas last weekend. My sister has an almost two-month old, so there was a lot of baby talk. One aunt, who did choose to have babies later (started around 35), was talking with me as if I were making the same choice...talking about how great it is to have babies later. She thought we could bond on this issue, compared to my sister who had children younger (younger being 27!) like my mom (pregnant at 25). In another discussion, we were talking about how many children I might want and the benefits or struggles of different choices on this issue. One aunt teasingly pointed out that in order to have any of these amounts, one must first start having babies. Ahhh.... so THAT's the problem!

Now, I'm going to interrupt myself to comment here. If YOU are one who ever makes comments to people about having children, you need to be really, really careful. I've had so many comments made. Often this is a little painful just because I desperately want children very badly. The commenters usually assume that I don't want children and that's why we don't have children. Ouch. However, I have thought about how painful the comments would be if we actually were trying to have kids, but were having fertility problems (which we aren't, praise God). You just never know.

Ok...back to my story. In church yesterday, we met a young couple (without kids) who were visiting. Another church member knew the visitors and made sure that we had met them. Specifically us. Why? Well, let me tell you. Hubs and I (realized this yesterday) that we are the only youngish, married couple in church that doesn't have kids. WE needed to meet this visiting couple because we were the only ones they would meet that were married but didn't have kids. Really - there are single people, there are young couples with young kids, there are older couples, old people, etc., but only one couple who is married and doesn't have kids. Me.

So, I've gotten frustrated. This is not how I want to be defined.

I'm not sure why it hit me today, but I realized today that I'm the age now that my mom was when she had me. She was 28. Except... I was the youngest and last child (of two), and I was born two weeks after she turned 28. So, if I were my mom, I'd have a little one running around and be extremely pregnant with an amazing little girl at the moment. Actually, I was a bit late, so if I were pregnant on my mom's time line, I'd be due right about...now. To me there is something a bit special and meaningful about doing something at the same time as one who has gone before you, and I'm missing this one.

So, today, I was a bit down. Enough that I wanted to come home, sit hubs down, and really try to explain very logically why really truly NOW is the time and we really should start trying to have kids now. Really.

Thankfully, God is in control and not me. Thankfully, I had a 20 minute drive home and was listening to some good hymns. The song Blessed Assurance came on:
Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

I need to submit to the Lord's timing, and my husband's plans. My joy is to come from the Lord, and nothing else.

I think back to how much I've changed over the seven years I've been married. I've changed a lot. My theology has changed a LOT. My thoughts about God, doctrine, how to be a good wife, how to be a homemaker, the importance of these things, how to teach children, what to teach children... all of these things have changed drastically.

I think God is preparing me, His child, to raise children that will glorify Him. If I were to take this timing into my own hands, I will only mess it all up because I won't be ready (in His standards) to be a mother for the children He is going to give me. Maybe He's got some really difficult kids in store for me and so I need more pre-training. If He does, that's ok. All I know, is that the only one who does know is God. I trust Him.

And finally, for something totally unrelated, this is my 100th post! But, I only just realized that and I'm posting this anyway. I'll do 100+1 things about me for my 101st post. =)

4 comments:

Kim said...

Oh, Kel, I'm so sorry! My best friend struggled with infertility for 8 years before God gave them a daughter through adoption. I have learned through that NEVER to ask that nosy question... "So when are YOU going to have kids?" People can be so rude, insensitive, and inconsiderate. I'm sure that wasn't the intent of the people you mentioned. I'm so thankful you have realized God's sovereignty in all this or it would be a million times worse. It is hard to be patient. Hugs to you!

Keziah said...

I can understand that it must be hard. I am not even married but greatly desire children. I was wondering though: you said that you are waiting for God to let you when the right time to have children was. How will you know what that time has been reached?

Sheila in Seattle said...

Hi there! I can relate to your frustration. It is especially hard in Christian circles.

I was married at 31 and we didn't have kids until I was 36 (various reasons). One of my best friends was 36 when she got married.

You aren't old at all!

Oh, by the way, we're "neighbours." I found your blog through Shannon's.

kel said...

Kim - Way to never ask the question! You are a wise woman. That's why I like you! =)

Keziah - Welcome to New Day! I emailed you back about your question, but am generally learning to submit to God's direction and my husband. =)

Sheila - Welcome neighbor! Thanks for commenting. And for saying I'm not old. =)