The day that sucketh

I've been thinking a lot this evening about support systems...the people you turn to.

I think I used to build support systems (aka friends) more easily. Over the years, I've dealt with some painful life experiences and a few painfully failed friendships. Through it all, I think I've become more guarded and don't make close friends as easily. All the while, I yearn for close friendships, to be known and loved by a small circle of dependable friends, but I have a hard time getting there.

My day at work today was very not good. We are re-organizing and the changes were announced today. The one thing I really didn't want to have happen to me, did happen to me. It's unfounded, unjust, and completely nonsensical. Apparently, I'm too inexperienced to do the very thing I'm already doing everyday. I wish someone had told me sooner!

As I tried to jog through my frustration (successful w/ the jogging, but not at getting rid of the frustration), I realized a deep sense of loss. I wasn't expecting that. My boss and two co-workers are all moving to other teams. My team will now be made up of a new boss (grrr), me, and my staff. I really enjoy managing the staff that I manage, but they aren't my support system. I can't fully relax with them - I'm "the boss" and need to always think about my actions and words with that filter on. With my boss and peers, I can be me. I can vent. I can support them and they can support me. As I thought about them, and that they are all leaving, I just felt really alone and empty. At the same time, it made me smile. I hadn't realized how much I had appreciated or needed this support system, but obviously I did. Even if it's ending now, I'm glad for the time we were together. I only wish I could have appreciated them more at the time. I'm going to miss everyone!

It was good to go through this emotional rollercoaster though because it has made me aware that I need to build better and more support systems. I need my friends more than I let myself realize and it's worth the risk to be a bit less guarded.